A Star Wars Sitcom
by madeye
Summary: AU fic that follows Anakin and Padme's family life with the twins, and Yoda and Obi Wan. UPDATE: The show has been picked up for a third season.
1. Pilot

A Star Wars Sitcom

Background info

Anakin and Padme are living in a house on Naboo with their children Luke and Leia, "Uncle" Obi Wan, and Yoda. Don't ask me how it ended up this way, craziness to be expected…

Anakin woke up one Saturday morning to the sounds of screaming and hitting. He went to the kids' room to investigate. He saw Leia beating Luke over the head with a toy speeder.

"Leia! Stop it! It hurts!" yelled Luke.

"Leia, what did Yoda tell you about beating on your weak brother?" Anakin asked while rubbing his fore head.

"That someday he'll become a bad ass Jedi with a cool lightsaber and he'll want payback." Replied Leia, annoyed.

"That's right. Now quit it before you wake up Yoda." Said Anakin.

"Dad? Am I still grounded for trying on Mom's makeup and dress?" asked Luke

"Oh. Um, yeah, I guess." Said Anakin, a bit ashamed.

In the corner of his eye, Anakin saw Yoda heading to the kitchen. Anakin had to stop him before he made his famous heart attack omelet.

"Yoda! Stop right there, old man!" yelled Anakin.

"Hmmm? Hungry I am. Make my omelet I must." Replied Yoda, getting out the ingredients, which included bacon, three different cheeses, salt, cocoa puffs, pepperoni, and sausage, all washed down with a cold Pepsi.

"Yoda, that crap isn't good for you. Do you want to end up dead before you hit 900?" asked Anakin.

"Die before 900 I will not." Replied Yoda as he cut the omelet in half with his lightsaber.

Yoda had become slightly insane and lost most of his wisdom. He usually spat out random sentences and lines from famous movies, but sometimes you could have an intelligent conversation with him.

Luke stumbled into the kitchen.

"Hi Yoda. What's new?" said Luke.

"Begun, the Clone War has." Replied Yoda, grimly.

Luke stared at him blankly.

"Just eat your cereal, Luke." Said Anakin.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Leia opened the door to see Mace Windu standing on the porch.

"Leia, is your father here?" asked Mace.

"Daddy, that guy with the pink lightsaber is here," yelled Leia. Mace's eyes widened.

Anakin went to greet Mace.

"What's that smell?" asked Mace, almost horrified.

"Yoda made an omelet," replied Anakin with a frown on his face.

"Disgusting. Can you get him in here, this concerns him too," said Mace.

"Yoda! We need to talk to you!" yelled Anakin, knowing Yoda was half deaf.

"If you build it, come they will." Replied Yoda.

"Shut up and get in here," Anakin yelled back.

"A bigger boat, we're gonna need," said Yoda as he walked slowly into the living room.

Stick around for another Chapter. They're probably going to be short like this one.


	2. Is it pink or purple?

To answer some questions, "If you build it they will come" is from Field of Dreams, Padme and Obi Wan soon to come, and I'm guessing that Yoda CAN eat cheese. Hey, thanks for the good reviews!

Chapter 2

"Where's Padme?" asked Mace.

"She's still sleeping. The kids have been running her ragged all w-" Anakin was interrupted by Luke running through the room screaming.

"FATHER FATHER FATHER FATHER!" he yelled over and over again.

"Luke! I'm your father," Anakin said.

"Oh. There you are. Yoda left his lightsaber on the kitchen table and I thought he should have it back before Leia gets a hold of it again," said Luke, a bit worried.

The last time Leia stole Yoda's lightsaber she cut the kitchen table in half. She also destroyed three of Luke's model star fighters and half of his wardrobe. Padme was lucky to take it away before Leia "gave her a haircut".

"Thanks Luke," replied Anakin, annoyed at Yoda's ignorance.

"Yoda, for crying out loud, I don't understand why you can't-" Anakin stopped for a second, "Mace, where's your lightsaber?" he asked.

"It's right here on my… Oh crap," said Mace.

Leia was in her room playing with her doll collection. She wasn't actually playing; she was actually setting up one of her little jokes. Mace Windu rushed into her room to see her dolls, dressed in pink, and his lightsaber lying next to them.

Leia turned on his lightsaber and held up a doll.

"Look Mr. Windu! If you added polka dots, they would be identical!" said Leia, smiling.

"Give me that!" yelled Mace as he took it away and stormed out of the room.

Anakin ran into the room.

"Oh, Leia, there you are," said Anakin, gasping for breath.

"Can we please get back to business?" asked Mace in an angry voice.

They walked back to the living room and began discussing the issue: Luke's training.

"When do you think we should begin the training?" asked Anakin.

"I'll be back," said Yoda. He stopped and thought about what he just said, and headed towards the kitchen for another Pepsi.

Just then, Obi Wan arrived at the front door. He walked in and looked at Anakin and Mace.

"So, I'm gone for ten minutes and you decide to discuss issues without-" Obi Wan stopped for a second and sniffed the air, "whoa! Did someone take a crap in the microwave?"

"Yoda made an omelet," replied Anakin.

A voice came from the kitchen, "Crying in baseball, there is not."

"Anyway, we were just discussing Luke's training," said Anakin.

"Oh. Well I was thinking we start as soon as possible. I can train him," said Obi Wan.

"I think that's a good idea. He will be a powerful Jedi," replied Mace.

Ironically, after he said that, Leia pushed Luke over the last three stairs into the living room. Luke was face down on the floor, moaning in pain.

"Leia! No!" yelled Padme from the top of the stairs. She struggled to keep the two from fighting. Padme looked at everybody, a little embarrassed since she was still in her pajamas and woke up only two minutes ago.

"Oh my God! Is somebody burning hair down here?" Padme asked, shocked at the smell.

"Omelet," replied Anakin, plainly.

"Oh. Okay. What's going on down here?" Padme asked.

Chapter 3 will be up soon. R/R!


	3. Attack of the Flatulence

Chapter 3

"We were discussing Luke's training," replied Mace.

"Well this is embarrassing. I just woke up, I'm not even out of my pajamas," said Padme, rubbing her eyes, "what time is it?"

"It's 10:30," replied Anakin.

Yoda walked into the room, a cold Pepsi in his hand.

"Continue, Mark," said Yoda, looking at Mace.

"It's Mace," said Mace, annoyed.

"Sorry, Martin," said Yoda, "train the boy I will. Teach him the ways of the force, I must."

"NO!" yelled everybody in the room, including Luke.

"It has been decided that Obi Wan will train him as soon as possible," said Mace.

"Very well then," said Yoda, trying to drink from a closed Pepsi can.

"I'll make sure he's-" Anakin was cut off by a loud fart from Yoda.

Anakin glared at Yoda and continued, "I'll make sure-" **FART**

"I'll make-" **FART**

"I'll-" **FART**

"Sorry, that one was me," said Obi Wan.

Luke and Leia were on the floor laughing.

Nighttime came and the kids were all tucked in. Anakin tucked in Leia, and Padme tucked in Luke.

"Mom, am I going to be a Jedi?" asked Luke.

"Yes you are, Luke. You start training next week," replied Padme, kissing his forehead.

"This isn't going to be like Yoda trying to train me when I was three, is it?" asked Luke.

"Oh God no. No. You're master will be sober, don't worry," replied Padme, "Good night, Luke."

"Daddy, can you tell me the story about the pod race?" asked Leia.

"No, not tonight. It's too-" **FART**

Anakin turned and saw Yoda in the hallway.

"YODA, DAMMIT, GO TO BED!" yelled Anakin.

"Spartacus, I am!" yelled Yoda, running back to his room.

Anakin went back to his room. He got into bed only to see Obi Wan standing in the doorway.

"What are you doing?" said Anakin, a bit annoyed.

"I need to sleep in here. Qui Gon keeps making those ghost noises. It scares the hell out of me," said Obi Wan, sounding like a child.

"Tell Qui Gon's spirit to shut up and go to sleep like the rest of us," replied Padme.

It did no good. Obi Wan had become a bit paranoid since moving in. There was no explanation for it, really. When it came to the ways of the force, Obi Wan was sharp, and wise, but when it came to everyday things, he was a bit weird.

Obi Wan crawled into bed between Anakin and Padme.

"No! On the floor! THE FLOOR!" yelled Anakin, but it didn't do any good.

They both rolled to opposite sides and tried to sleep. Talk about awkward.

Chapter 4 coming soon.


	4. One Peed Over the Starfighter

Chapter 4

It was finally time. Luke would begin his training and become a Jedi. He sat down at a small table across from Obi Wan, his new master.

"First, young padawan- he he, it's been a while since I've said that," Obi Wan giggled and took a sip out of his seven eleven cup filled with Mountain Dew. He claimed it was "force juice".

"Anyway, first we will choose your training saber," Obi Wan said as he walked over to his little closet with a sticker on it displaying the Rolling Stones logo. Luke decided not to ask questions.

"Okay, let's see what we have in the old closet. What color best suits you?" asked Obi Wan, digging through the closet, "I know! How about green?" asked Obi Wan.

"Yeah! Green!" said Luke, excited.

"Well I don't have green. I have blue," replied Obi Wan in a harsh tone.

"Oh, blue is fine," said Luke.

"What? You're giving up on green just like that? You little wimpy excuse for a padawan! YOU SICKEN ME!" yelled Obi Wan.

"What do you want me to do?" yelled Luke.

"ASK IF I HAVE GREEN IN THE CHEST UNDER MY BED! ASK, DAMMIT!" screamed Obi Wan.

"Do you have green in the chest under your bed?" asked Luke, shaking.

"Yes. Yes I do," replied Obi Wan, calmly. He walked over to his bed and got out a green lightsaber and gave it to Luke.

"Th- thank you," said Luke.

"You are very welcome," replied Obi Wan, taking another drink of force juice.

In the living room, Anakin was watching television (don't ask) with Yoda.

"Yoda, hand me the remote," Anakin said.

"Forget it Jake, Chinatown it is," replied Yoda, sipping a Pepsi. **FART**

Yoda, shocked by the sound of his own fart, spilled the Pepsi all over his new robe.

"D'oh!" yelled Yoda.

Anakin rolled his eyes and plugged his nose.

Anakin glanced outside. To his frustration, he saw Obi Wan and Luke trying to pee up and over Anakin's brand new star fighter. Anakin ran outside.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be training him not, well, doing- um- whatever you're doing," yelled Anakin.

"Oh. Well, you see, we were in training and somehow our meditation turned our minds to this," said Obi Wan pointing to the ship and quickly putting his hand back down.

"GET INSIDE, GET YOUR LIGHTSABER, AND START TRAINING!" yelled Anakin.

Obi Wan stuck his tongue out at Anakin and stomped back inside.

"I was talking to- never mind," said Anakin, pointing to Luke.

Luke stuck his tongue out at Anakin and stomped back inside. He stopped for a second, zipped up his pants, and proceeded to the door.

"Now who the hell is gonna clean my ship?" yelled Anakin.

"No wire hangers!" yelled Yoda from inside.


	5. The ultra sensitive Obi Wan

Chapter 5

"How's Luke's training going?" asked Padme, brushing her hair.

"Well, he said-" Anakin stopped after he heard a noise coming from the living room. He went down the stairs to see what was going on. He saw Yoda pinning Luke against the wall with a pitchfork.

"So, tell them I'm a pro jock, I do. And guess who they gave me. The Dali Llama," said Yoda, staring down Luke.

"Dad, help. Please," Luke whispered, but Yoda continued.

"So, whacks one, he does, right into a 10,000 foot crevice at the base of a glacier. And do you know what the Llama said?" asked Yoda.

"Yoda, you're scaring the kid, stop-" again, Yoda continued.

"Gunga Lagunga. Finish 18 we did, and stiff me, he was going to. And he says there won't be any money, but when you die, on your death bed, receive total consciousness you will. So have that going for me, I do, which is nice." Yoda said. He grabbed a Pepsi from the fridge and headed to his room.

"How's training, Luke?" asked Anakin, pouring some water.

"It's great! Obi Wan taught me how to use the microwave with the force, and then he taught me how to jump higher to take an advantage over normal people in sports. Oh, and he told me that Aayla Secura probably has the nicest ass in the galaxy. He also mumbled something about mom in that department but I didn't hear him," replied Luke.

Anakin got out of his chair slowly and went back to his bedroom, shocked by the whole situation.

"Padme, I think we should send Luke to the Academy," Anakin said plainly.

"Anakin that's on a different planet! Luke won't get through any training without his family there with him," said Padme.

"I don't know, it's just an idea. Obi Wan has completely lost his mind! They haven't got anything done since they started! If we don't do something Luke will never be trained!" said Anakin in a surprisingly loud voice.

Anakin looked up to see Obi Wan standing in the doorway. Padme was surprised herself.

"So, you think I'm a fluke, do you?' Obi Wan said, looking at Anakin.

"I didn't say that, I said you need to start training Luke like you trained me," replied Anakin.

"You used to respect me! You used to think I was pretty!" yelled Obi Wan.

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Anakin yelled back.

"You used to buy me candy and call me all the time!" Obi Wan screamed.

Anakin stared at him blankly.

"And now you just blow me off to have sex with your wife and spend time with your children," yelled Obi Wan, making quotes with his fingers.

"Whoa! Okay, calm down we can-" Anakin was cut off by Obi Wan running away with his ears plugged.

"La la la! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" yelled Obi Wan running away.

"Okay, he can go to the academy they have here on Naboo," said Padme.

"That sounds good," replied Anakin.

Anakin fell asleep. Eight hours later, he awoke to see two big eyes staring at him with a green face.

"AAAAAA!" screamed Anakin.

"Heeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!" yelled Yoda.

Anakin backhanded Yoda across the room and into the wall not realizing it was Yoda.

"Yoda! You scared the hell out of me!" yelled Anakin trying to catch his breath, "What is wrong with you?"

"The truth, you cannot handle," replied Yoda, his head stuck in the wall.


	6. Chaos in the Kitchen

Chapter 6

As Padme pulled Yoda out of the wall, Anakin tried to make amends with Obi Wan. He cracked open Obi Wan's door to see a sight he could have done without.

Obi Wan was sitting up in his bed eating a roll of cookie dough and playing with his Star Wars Legos. He had a younger version of him in one hand, and Anakin in the other. The lego of himself was on his knee and Anakin by his foot.

"It's over, Anakin, I have the high ground," Obi Wan said, not noticing the real Anakin in the doorway.

"You underestimate my power!" Obi Wan said in a deeper, evil voice.

He lifted the Anakin lego over his knee, and made the Obi Wan lego chop off Anakin's legs and arm, making annoying sound effects as he did it.

"Obi Wan?" Anakin said from behind the door.

"Go 'way!" yelled Obi Wan, closing the door with the force.

"No, listen. We have to talk," said Anakin trying to open the door.

"AAAAAAAAA," yelled Obi Wan. With cookie dough still on his face and mouth, he threw the rest of the cookie dough at Anakin's face and slammed the door.

Anakin reluctantly went back downstairs. Whatever happiness he had left escaped when he entered the kitchen.

"Welcome to Jurassic Park," said Yoda.

Padme was making breakfast when she saw Anakin walk in.

"Did you talk to Obi Wan?" asked Padme, concerned.

"NO!" snapped Anakin. Padme jumped back and dropped Yoda's breakfast. Yoda sniffed a little and broke down crying.

"Sorry, sorry. I just feel so frustrated," replied Anakin.

"Why are you so frustrated, dad?" asked Leia.

"Obi Wan is a psycho," said Anakin.

"Anakin!" yelled Padme.

"Is this like the time about 5 months ago when-" Anakin cut Leia off.

"HE KNEW DAMN WELL THAT WAS A THERMAL DETONATOR! **HE **SHOULD APOLOGIZE, NOT ME!" he yelled.

"Yeah, but the toilet-"

"Quiet, Leia!" yelled Anakin.

Luke walked into the kitchen twirling his lightsaber handle.

"Hey Dad! Watch this!" yelled Luke.

Luke tried to turn on his lightsaber while he was twirling it and accidentally threw it right at Yoda. The handle smacked Yoda in the head, but he didn't seem to notice.

"Whoops," said Luke.

"Luke, you dumbass!" yelled Leia.

"Leia! Language!" shouted Padme.

"Yeah, shut up Leia, Everyone knows girls are dumber than boys," said Luke.

"Then you must be pretty dumb, Lucy," replied Leia, sticking her tongue out.

"Hey! Mom, Leia called me Lucy again!" yelled Luke.

"Kids! Stop fighting right-" **FART**

"Yoda, dammit, why-" Anakin started.

"AAAAAAAA," Luke screamed as he tried to attack Leia with his training saber but dropped it on his foot.

Leia tried to punch Luke but accidentally hit Yoda off his chair.

"1.21 jiggawatts?" yelled Yoda.

Yoda fought back with the only weapon he had.

**FART FART FART FART FART…**

"Gross," screamed Leia.

"THIS FAMILY IS INSANE!" yelled Anakin as he stormed out the door.


	7. Hell, why not Leia too?

Chapter 7

Obi Wan was lying on a couch. Qui Gon's spirit sat on a chair next to him taking notes and observing him.

"I mean, I just don't get it. He used to be my friend, my brother. He's such a meanie," said Obi Wan.

"Okay. Listen, I think you're overreacting. You just-" Obi Wan interrupted Qui Gon.

"You don't know everything, you nincompoop!" he yelled.

"Wait, what did you just call me?" asked Qui Gon.

" You're taking his side! You ALWAYS take his side! Ever since he was a kid you stuck up for him and protected him! Damn that Jake Lloyd!" yelled Obi Wan.

"Damn WHO? Are you insane?" said Qui Gon.

"Aren't YOU supposed to be the judge of that? Mr. I know everything!" yelled Obi Wan.

Obi Wan got up and walked across the room and straight out the window, fell two stories, hit the ground, and walked away.

"Nincompoop," Obi Wan mumbled as he walked away.

Qui Gon walked out of the room to see Anakin sitting down reading a magazine.

"Anakin, I'm afraid Obi Wan has gone completely insane, and that fall didn't help much," said Qui Gon, concerned.

"Did I ask?" replied Anakin.

"Well, I'd like to continue this rude and insensitive conversation, but I have a session with Yoda in two minutes and a tee time at three," Qui Gon said and walked off.

Luke ran up the stairs to Anakin.

"Dad! You're back!" yelled Luke hugging Anakin.

"Luke, I just went out to get the mail. Did you apologize to your sister?" asked Anakin.

"I tried, but she punched me in the face and threw my lightsaber in the toilet," replied Luke, showing him a red mark on his cheek.

"Listen, Luke. Your mother and I have decided to send you to the academy here on Naboo instead of private training as a padawan. Okay?" said Anakin.

"But I was having fun! I like training with Obi Wan!" yelled Luke.

"I know, but the point is you're not learning anything. This is not a good learning atmosphere for you," said Anakin.

"What do you mean?" asked Luke.

**FART**

Yoda ran off screaming, "With great power, comes great responsibility!" He tried to shoot a web out of his hands to fly down the stairs, but he fell and hit every single stair and tumbled down to the bottom with Qui Gon chasing after him.

"Okay. I'll go to the academy," said Luke.

"That's my boy," said Anakin.

Anakin went looking for Leia. He found her sitting in her room, playing with a doll.

"Leia?" said Luke.

"Hi Dad," replied Leia.

"Is there any reason you've been beating up on your brother lately?" asked Anakin.

"Well, I guess, um. Never mind," said Leia, turning her head.

"Come on. What is it?" asked Anakin.

"It's just, well, Luke gets to be a Jedi, right?" Anakin nodded, "Well, I'm his twin sister, aren't I supposed to do the same thing?" asked Leia.

"Sigh. Is this why you pushed Luke down the stairs when Mace was here? To prove you're stronger?" asked Anakin.

"That among other things," Leia grinned.

"You've never shown any excitement over Jedi training. Luke's been talking about it since he could speak," said Anakin.

"I know. I guess I really do want to be a Jedi," replied Leia.

"I'll talk it over with some people, alright?" said Anakin.

Anakin heard tip toeing behind him. He turned around and saw Yoda staring at him.

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" yelled Anakin.

Yoda nearly jumped out of his skin. He ran out of Leia's room and right into the hallway wall, spilling his Pepsi all over the floor.


	8. Happy Birthday

Chapter 8

Anakin was explaining to Padme that Leia wanted to be a Jedi.

"I think that's great! I always thought she'd change her mind," said Padme.

"Well, next week we send them both to the academy. Can't wait," said Anakin with excitement in his voice.

"Oh, remember, tomorrow is Yoda's birthday. I have the cake ready and everyone should have their invitations," said Padme.

"Oh for crying out loud! He probably doesn't even KNOW it's his birthday. Why should we go through the trouble?" yelled Anakin.

"Please, be a little considerate. He's 882 years old," replied Padme.

Anakin heard tapping on the window. He walked over and opened the curtain.

"WHOA! Obi Wan!" shouted Anakin.

"What? Open the window! Let him in!" Padme shouted back.

Anakin opened the window and let Obi Wan in. Obi Wan was shivering and rubbing his hands together.

"Cold. So, so cold," said Obi Wan.

"Obi Wan, it's 72 degrees outside," replied Padme.

"I was talking about Anakin's heart!" yelled Obi Wan as he ran out of the room crying.

The next day Padme was setting up decorations for Yoda's birthday. Yoda was sitting on a chair at the table, watching intently. Anakin walked into the room. Padme looked at him and nodded towards Yoda.

Anakin sighed, "Happy birthday, Yoda,"

Yoda said nothing.

"Padme, is Plo Koon coming?" asked Anakin, concerned.

"Well, yes. The whole council is coming," replied Padme.

"Well, he just scares Luke, that's all. I mean, just look at him. It's scary," said Anakin.

"Oh Luke will be fine. Remember when Luke was afraid of Yoda?" asked Padme.

"Well I would be afraid of him too if he sat at my bedside every night and repeated lines from _The Exorcist_," replied Anakin.

Luke and Leia walked into the room, both carrying presents for Yoda.

"Happy Birthday Yoda!" they both screamed.

Yoda jumped and looked at them, scared.

"Bond. James Bond," said Yoda, sounding like he was correcting them.

The doorbell rang and Luke went to answer it. Plo Koon was standing on the front porch with a gift.

"Hello Luke!" he said in a happy voice.

"AAAAAAAAAA," screamed Luke. He jumped behind the couch and hid.

"I don't get it! Why is he so scared of me? Is it my hands? Am I too tall?" asked Plo, looking at Anakin.

"It's, uh, your face, mostly," Anakin mumbled, putting the gift on the table.

Anakin got Luke and Leia on the couch to talk to them.

"Now listen. When Ki Adi Mundi gets here, do not, I repeat, do not stare at his head. He's a little sensitive," said Anakin.

"Maybe I'll just scream and run behind the couch like Luke," Leia taunted.

"SHUT UP, IDIOT!"

"ASS!"

"LEIA FOR GOD'S SAKE!" yelled Anakin. The doorbell rang again and Anakin let in Ki Adi Mundi, Kit Fisto, and Mace Windu.

Qui Gon walked in the door five minutes later wearing a polo shirt, khaki pants, and a golf bag. He was holding his gift for Yoda.

Everyone gathered around the cake and sang for Yoda. He was scared and utterly confused, but he just sipped his Pepsi and ignored it.

Mace handed him his first gift. Yoda cut off the top of the box with his lightsaber and got out what was inside. It was a purple crystal used to give color to a lightsaber. Yoda looked at Mace, confused.

"Ha! Now I'm not the only one! You can't single me out! He's in on it to!" yelled Mace, pointing at Yoda and laughing like a mad man.

"You know this is all your fault," said Anakin, looking at Leia.

"Yeah. I know," replied Leia.

Mace sat back down, twitching.

Kit Fisto gave Yoda the gift that would forever change the course of the family's lives forever. A karaoke machine.

Yoda screamed like a little girl and ran with the karaoke machine into the living room, frantically trying to set it up. He opened every gift except for Plo Koon's.

"It's okay. I'm sure he'll open it later," said Padme, looking at Plo.

"Should I just stick around so-" Anakin and Padme interrupted Plo.

"NO!"

After the party ended, Anakin and Padme were cleaning up the mess and listening to Yoda and his karaoke machine for the sixth straight hour.

"I swear to God, if he sings "Working for the Weekend" again I'm going to murder him where he stands!" said Anakin through gritted teeth.

"Don't worry. He'll be tired of it soon, I'm sure," replied Padme.

Anakin and Padme were in bed trying to sleep, but they could only hear Yoda.

"Bye bye Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levy…"

"That's it! He's gonna die!" yelled Anakin getting out of bed.

Stay tuned for another chapter.


	9. No! Not Him!

Chapter 9

Anakin sat at the kitchen table one morning with his head buried in his arm. Padme came in and put her arm around his shoulder.

"Anakin, it's six in the morning. What's wrong?" she asked.

"My headache. It can't get any worse," replied Anakin, handing Padme a letter he received.

She read it and her eyes widened.

"Oh…my…. God…." She said, shocked, "Not him! I don't want him to visit again!" she yelled, "Not Jar Jar!"

"A whole week of "mesa" and "yousa" and the constant idiotic ramblings. And he HATES Leia," said Anakin.

"I know he hates her. I don't know why," replied Padme.

Obi Wan walked in with luggage in his hands.

"What are you doing?" asked Anakin. Obi Wan pretended he didn't hear him

"What are you doing?" asked Padme.

"It has come to my attention that Jar Jar will be visiting and I am leaving. I'll be staying as far away as possible at a motel. Probably in the outer rim," replied Obi Wan.

"I don't blame you," said Padme.

"There," said Obi Wan, closing a suitcase, "Well, I'm off. Goodbye Padme,"

"Bye," replied Padme, nudging Anakin in the arm.

"Bye Obi Wan," said Anakin. Obi Wan walked out the door, silent.

Suddenly, a voice came from the other room.

"Wasting away again in Margaritaville…"

"Yoda, please, enough of your singing!" yelled Anakin.

"Anakin! Did Yoda ever open Plo Koon's gift?" asked Padme.

"Yes. It was a goldfish. Yoda ate it, and then puked it up in the toilet. Which is just as well because if he had taken care of it that's where it would have ended up anyway," replied Anakin.

"Oh. Gross," said Padme.

Leia ran into the room, excited.

"Mom! Dad! The Academy sent me my training saber! Look!" yelled Leia. She turned it on. "It's blue! Just like yours!"

"Yes it is. It looks good!" said Anakin.

"What's that?" asked Leia, pointing to the envelope.

"Oh. Um, Jar Jar is coming to, uh, visit," replied Padme.

"NO! I hate Jar Jar and he hates me," yelled Leia.

"WHO SAID JAR JAR?" yelled Luke from his bedroom.

"I should have let him die!" yelled Qui Gon from the front yard.

"She got the way to move me, cherry…"

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" yelled Anakin.

The doorbell rang. Luke, thinking it was a delivery of his new speeder model, rushed to the door. It was Jar Jar.

"Luke! Mesa so happy to be seeing yousa! Yousa getting so big!" Jar Jar said, pinching Luke's cheeks and rubbing his hair in an annoying and painful manner.

Jar Jar walked right past Leia and threw two of his bags into her arms. She threw them on the floor and went upstairs.

"Ani! Mesa just got into town! I see yousa got my letter! Mesa staying one week, okie day?" said Jar Jar.

"Yeah, fine," replied Anakin, pretending to be busy with something else.

"Oh, you can stay in Obi Wan's room. He's, uh, with the Jedi council. Important stuff. You know," said Padme.

"Oh! Mesa almost forgot! Mesa bring popcorn for little Lukey! And some cheese!" he yelled, taking food out of his bag, "This food for Luke, okie day?"

Luke rolled his eyes and left the room.

"Where's Lukey going?" asked Jar Jar.

"Probably to his room," said Anakin, rubbing his head.

"Mesa go bring my bags to my room, okie day?" said Jar Jar.

"FINE!" Anakin shouted.

Jar Jar grabbed his bags and headed upstairs.

"He has to be the single most annoying living thing in the galaxy," said Anakin.

"I know. And that speech impediment. Ugh," replied Padme.

"Maybe I'll just take Leia somewhere tonight and get her away from all this," suggested Anakin.

"Oh so you take Leia and I'm stuck with the retarded amphibian?" said Padme.

"He's not LEGALLY retarded," replied Anakin, surprised at Padme's insult.

"I'm just kidding. Please do take Leia, she needs to get away from that guy," said Padme.

Anakin started walking to the stairs to get Leia.

"Climbin' up on Solsbury Hill…"

Anakin kicked the karaoke machine on its side and proceeded to the stairs.

"Khaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaan!" (Star Trek) yelled Yoda.


	10. The Bounty on Jar Jar Binks

Chapter 10

Anakin walked into Leia's room and told her they were going out to eat.

"Just you and me?" asked Leia.

"Yeah. We'll go to that diner you like," replied Anakin.

Luke peeked out of the doorway of his room. Anakin looked at him and smiled.

"Okay, me, you, and Luke," Anakin said to Leia.

"Sure," said Leia.

Anakin, Luke, and Leia jumped into Anakin's starfighter and took off.

"Where are Lukey and Ani going?" asked Jar Jar.

"They're going out to eat, Jar Jar," replied Padme.

"Mesa brought food for Lukey and Ani. Theysa eat that tomorrow methinks," said Jar Jar.

"Sounds good," replied Padme, not listening.

In the living room, Yoda worked frantically to fix the karaoke machine. He tried to turn it on but the "on" light flickered and went back off.

"WORK, DAMN YOU!" yelled Yoda. Suddenly, the machine kicked on and played random Cher music.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Yoda.

…………………………………………………………..

Anakin and the kids arrived at the diner. Anakin spotted a few Jedi masters from the council at one table. They motioned for him to join them.

"Go ahead, Dad. Me and Luke will find our own table," said Leia.

"Okay. Meet me outside when you're finished," replied Anakin, walking away.

"Come on!" said Leia, grabbing Luke's arm and heading to another table.

They sat down and Leia started talking.

"Luke! I can't stand Jar Jar! We have to get rid of him somehow," said Leia.

"Come on, Leia. How are we going to pull that off?" asked Luke.

"Oh sure. It's easy for you to say. Jar Jar loves you," replied Leia.

"Do you think I LIKE that? He's always bringing me food and rubbing my head. It's degrading," replied Luke.

"So, you need someone gotten rid of?" a mysterious voice said behind them.

"Who are you?" asked Leia.

"The name's Boba. Boba Fett, bounty hunter," he said, slurring his speech slightly.

"Well, we don't need anyone killed here. Just gone," said Leia, turning back around.

"No no no no no. Listen, I'm an expert. I have what you n-" Boba fell off the bar stool and flat on the floor.

"Are you okay?" asked Luke.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Happens all the time. Bartender! A round for my new friends!" yelled Boba. The bartender gave him a weird look.

"We're only seven years old," said Luke.

"Oh. Bartender! No rounds. Just one for me!" Boba yelled. Boba looked at their lightsabers, "You guys Jedi?" he asked.

"Yeah," replied Leia.

"A Jedi killed my father. All I remember is that flash of pink and his head rolling on the ground. Yeah that was a bad day," said Boba.

"Pink?" asked Leia.

"Yeah. Pink," sad Boba.

"Can you help us or not?" asked Luke.

"Of course I can, silly jim!" Boba shouted.

"What did you call me?" asked Luke.

"Nothing. Anyway, what's he look like?" asked boba.

"He's a gungan. We live on 287 Lakeside Avenue. He'll be there," said Leia.

"The price is two gazillion bajillion dollars," Boba said, now completely drunk.

"We'll give you five dollars and a karaoke machine," replied Luke.

"DONE!" yelled Boba, slamming his fist on the table.

Leia wrote down the address and put it in Boba's pocket. Boba stumbled away from the table.

"Remember, no killing," Luke reminded him.

"Uh duuuuhhhhhh!" replied Boba, walking away.


	11. Be gone, not dead

Chapter 11

Luke and Leia couldn't sleep the next night. They sat and anxiously awaited Boba Fett. Much like a kid would wait for Santa Clause.

In the living room, Jar Jar had fallen asleep on the couch. Boba Fett landed Slave 1 outside and tip toed to the front door. He picked the lock and quietly walked inside. He took Leia's description of Jar Jar out of his pocket. It was supposed to read "Gungan, duck bill, big ears," but due to a coffee spilling incident the night before, it read "big ears".

He saw Jar Jar on the couch and knew it had to be him. But something else caught his eye. He saw Yoda sleeping next to his karaoke machine. Boba was confused. He had been drunk when he first looked at the description and was drunk when Leia told him Jar Jar was a gungan. He looked at Yoda, then back at Jar Jar. It did this five times before settling on Yoda. He walked over to Yoda but tripped over the karaoke machine. The machine fell over and turned on.

"I'll be there for you…"

"Crap!" whispered Boba.

Lights quickly turned on upstairs and footsteps could be heard. Boba got up and put Jar Jar where he was and ran into the kitchen. Anakin ran down the stairs, his lightsaber on.

"What happened?" yelled Anakin.

Jar Jar woke up and looked at his position. "Mesa must have tripped while sleep walking," he suggested. Yoda was still asleep

Leia and Luke ran down the stairs. They looked at each other, confused. Leia figured it out quickly.

"Dad, doesn't Jar Jar have bigger ears than Yoda?" she asked in a loud voice.

Anakin looked at her, dumbfounded. "Yeah, I guess," he replied.

"Mesa go back to sleep now, okie day?" said Jar Jar.

Anakin walked back upstairs. "Come on. It's way past bedtime," Anakin said to Luke and Leia. They followed him upstairs.

Boba snuck out of the kitchen and to the couch after Jar Jar had fallen asleep. He took a spray can out of his pocket. The label said "Gungan Be-Gone".

"Hmmm. Be gone. It doesn't say "Be Dead" so it must be okay," Boba said to himself. He sprayed Jar Jar from head to foot with the mysterious substance.

"There. He should be gone…….. NOW!" said Boba. Jar Jar didn't move. In fact he stopped snoring.

"Oh crap. I killed him? I couldn't have! Did I?" said Boba. He picked up the remote control and poked Jar Jar in the stomach. Jar Jar didn't move.

"NO! NO WAY!" Boba said to himself.

Leia snuck out of her room and to the top of the stairs. She looked at Boba and then at Jar Jar.

"What did you do?" asked Leia in a harsh tone.

"I- I guess I killed him, I DON'T KNOW!" replied Boba.

"You have to get rid of him! Not kill him! You're not getting the price we promised you," said Leia.

"Oh fine. But in my defense, the label says "Gungan Be-Gone" and mentions nothing about death," said Boba, showing her the can.

"It also has a picture of a gungan with x's for eyes and his tongue sticking out," said Leia, pointing to the picture.

"Fine. I'll take the karaoke machine. Keep your money," said Boba, dragging Jar Jar to his ship. He came back into the living room to take the karaoke machine.

Leia found no reason to thank him for his services. It was going to be a rough morning. Jar Jar missing, Yoda's karaoke machine gone, and Leia would have to lie her way through the whole mess…


	12. Now in Pursuit

Chapter 12

The next morning, Yoda burst into Anakin's room. He really didn't open the door, he just ran through it, making a Yoda-sized hole.

"THE MACHINE! GONE IT IS!" yelled Yoda.

"Yoda, it's 6:30. Go back to sleep," said Padme.

"WAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Yoda, with tears running out of his eyes. He started throwing a ridiculous tantrum. He fell on the floor and pounded his fists into the wood repeatedly.

"Yoda, what do you want me to do?" asked Anakin, putting the pillow over his head.

"AAAAAAAAAAA!" Yoda screamed louder. He got up and started kicking Anakin's bed.

Anakin and Padme got ready for the day, ignoring Yoda, who was now ripping their pillows to shreds and throwing the feathers in the air. Anakin walked downstairs and looked at the couch.

"Jar Jar?" he said.

He looked around and tried to find the gungan.

"Must have went for a walk," Anakin said to himself. Anakin sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. The news came on.

"Police are now in pursuit of a starfighter just above Tatooine. The starfighter, named Slave 1, apparently contains the dead body of former politician Jar Jar Binks," said the news anchor.

"Oh my God! Padme! Get down here!" yelled Anakin, in disbelief.

"What? What is it?" asked Padme, running down the stairs.

"Jar Jar. Someone killed him! That must have been the noise we heard last night!" replied Anakin.

The news anchor started again, "We have a call coming in and apparently there is a stolen karaoke machine on board. Let's get this caller on live, your on," said the anchor.

"WAAAAAAHHHHH! HE –sniff- STOLE –sniff- MACHINE! WAAAAHHHHHH!"

"Blow it up! Blow up the ship!" yelled Anakin at the TV.

Luke and Leia woke up to the noise and ran downstairs. They looked at the TV and then at each other.

They all watched as the police tried to talk sense into Boba Fett.

"Sir, if you do not hand over the gungan and the stolen items and get out of the ship, we will not hesitate to blow your head out of your ass," said one officer.

"No, Clamensky, that's not how this should be handled," said another officer, taking the megaphone away, "Sir, we know you are troubled. But you must hand over the dead body and stolen item or items and calmly step out of-"

**BOOM**

Slave 1 was blown to bits.

Padme rushed upstairs to save Yoda from suicide.

Just then, Obi Wan burst through the door singing, "Gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny day!"

"Obi Wan! Your back early," said Anakin.

Obi Wan looked at him, "Oh, I can't stay mad at you! Come here you big lug!" yelled Obi Wan, giving him a hug.

"What? You forgive me?" asked Anakin.

"Oh, I'm happy! Jar Jar's gone! Forever! We should have a party!" Obi Wan suggested.

"Uh, having a party to **celebrate** death might be a little extreme," replied Anakin.

"Oh no! It'll be great! Streamers and punch and- OH! Those little umbrellas you put in your drink! It's gonna be so great!" Obi Wan ran off screaming in a high-pitched voice.

"I'm in!" shouted Leia, following Obi Wan.

"Are we really gonna have a death party?" asked Luke.

"I don't think we can prevent it. Just think of it as a happy funeral," said Anakin, smiling and rubbing Luke's head.

"Actually, we were going to have a party for you and Leia for your acceptance into the Academy. Let's just change it to that," suggested Anakin.

"Good idea," replied Luke.


	13. Prelude to a Party

Chapter 13

A new day had dawned. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Jar Jar was dead. The next term at the academy was to start the next day. Luke had his remote out and was practicing. Leia was polishing the handle of her lightsaber. Obi Wan sat down on the couch to take a break from planning his party.

"Obi Wan, do you think we'll be as good as our father?" asked Luke.

"Of course you will, silly jim!" said Obi Wan.

"What?"

"Nothing. Anyway, you'll be as great or greater than your father. But it's a pretty high standard. He's killed two Sith lords already. It's on this ticker on my website," replied Obi Wan.

"Two Sith lords?" questioned Leia.

"You betcha! Count Dookie, or doku, or Christopher or something like that, and Darth Sideous, the Lord of the Dance," replied Obi Wan.

"You mean Lord of the Sith," said Luke.

"What'd I say?"

"Dance," replied Luke.

"Oh that's just silly. What kind of moron would degrade himself to calling himself the Lord of the Dance?" said Obi Wan.

…………………………………………..

Anakin and Padme were at the market picking up food for the party. They ran into Mace and started talking.

"It's not really a death party is it?" asked Mace.

"No! It's for Luke and Leia, they start at the Academy tomorrow," replied Anakin.

"Oh! Grab some of the-" Mace tried to point, but his lightsaber fell off his belt, hit the ground, and turned on revealing a blue blade.

"Oh, Mace. Honestly, nobody minds your purple lightsaber," said Padme.

"Here, I still have the purple crystal you gave Yoda. He tried to eat it but I saved it," said Anakin, handing the crystal to Mace.

"Oh, I don't know. Should I?" Mace looked at Padme and Anakin.

"Go ahead. I think it helps you stand out more as a talented Jedi," said Padme, encouraging him.

"You're right!" said Mace. He put the crystal in the lighsaber and turned it back on, holding it in the air, "YOU SEE THIS! THIS IS MINE! I HAVE A PURPLE LIGHTSABER AND I'M PROUD OF IT!" he yelled for everyone to hear. Everyone in the store looked at him for a second and walked away.

Anakin and Padme backed away slowly. They paid for their food and headed for home. Anakin walked in the front door of the house.

"Yoda, we got something for you," said Anakin.

Yoda walked in from the kitchen, slouching with his head to the ground.

"Here you go!" said Padme, handing him a box.

Yoda looked at her grimly and opened the box. He pulled out an iPod.

"See! You can store all your music on it and listen to it and-" Padme stopped. Yoda put the iPod in his mouth, chewed it up and swallowed it. He burped and walked back into the kitchen.

"Well that was 400 dollars well spent," said Anakin.

"You know what I can't figure out? Why would someone kill Jar Jar AND take the karaoke machine? It doesn't make sense," said Padme.

"I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT AND I NEVER DID!" said Luke, not noticing he was yelling. Leia smacked him in the back of the head.

"Um, okay. Anyway, I think you guys better get ready for the party," said Anakin, taking down Obi Wan's death party banners.

Padme walked over to the kitchen. Yoda was making a scrapbook with pictures of him and his karaoke machine.

"Yoda, you need to clean this off the table, we have company coming tonight," said Padme.

Padme looked at the scrapbook. "Oh, that's very cute, Yoda," she said. Padme turned the page, "Wait, this is a picture of my-" Yoda slammed the book shut and ran into the other room.


	14. An Epic Battle

Chapter 14

Luke was ready for the party and was watching Naboo News at Eight. The lead anchor came on with the top story.

"In the southern hemisphere today, a man held on for dear life as seven rabid pit bulls viciously-" Luke turned off the TV.

"Okay! Banners up, food ready, now we wait. The guests should ariiiiiiiive… NOW!" Obi Wan pointed at the door but nobody came, "NOW!" again, nobody, "What the hell! They're supposed to walk in the door! It's 8:01 and nobody's here! It's a freakin' disaster!" Obi Wan screamed. Just then, the doorbell rang.

Obi Wan opened the door and most of the Jedi Council walked in. Obi Wan wiped the sweat off his forehead and composed himself. Every Jedi that walked in patted Luke and Leia on the head and wished them luck then proceeded to the kitchen to get smashed.

Yoda was sitting at the kitchen table staring at the wall. The other Jedi pretended they didn't see him there. Padme turned on some music from the stereo sitting by Yoda.

Luke and Leia were talking in the living room.

"I can't wait! I mean, I get to be a Jedi!" said Luke.

"Me too. Dad says my lightsaber looks just like his when he started," said Leia proudly.

"So? Mine looks like Obi Wan's," replied Luke.

"Oh that's promising," said Leia sarcastically.

"Hey! Obi Wan was a great Jedi! He still is!" shouted Luke.

"He's not as great as Dad! He's the chosen one!" yelled Leia.

"But, I like Dad and Obi Wan the same! You're trying to turn me against Dad! If that's the way you want it, then take this!" Luke turned on his lightsaber and swung at Leia, but Leia defended herself with her lightsaber.

The two swung at each other with training sabers. The clash of lightsabers could be heard all over the house. The battle raged into the kitchen.

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!" yelled Obi Wan, already drunk.

Luke and Leia jumped onto the table and kept fighting. Yoda hit the stereo with his fist and it began playing "Dual of the Fates".

Luke swung at Leia's feet but she jumped to avoid it. Anakin tried to grab Leia but she dove out of the way. Padme reached for Luke's arm. Luke jumped and spun out of the way. He swung at Leia again and they fought.

Luke swung his lightsaber behind his back and blocked Leia, then swung it right into Leia's lightsaber disarming her. Padme finally grabbed Luke and picked him up off the table.

Leia tried to go after Luke hand-to-hand but Anakin grabbed her and pulled her away.

"Holy crap! Those kids can fi-" Obi Wan passed out on the floor.

Luke and Leia were still going at it. Leia was fighting to get out of Anakin's grasp and Luke was wildly swinging his lightsaber in Leia's direction.

Mace stood up and looked around, "Okay, Luke. Who had Luke?" Mace started handing out money to only two people. Needless to say, the party ended quickly.

Anakin and Padme sent the twins to bed and sat on the couch.

"Well, that didn't exactly go as planned," said Anakin.

"Is it normal for kids their age to be able to fight that well?" asked Padme.

"No," replied Anakin.

"Did you see Luke jump away from my arm? And that spin?" asked Padme.

"I saw everything. Kids take after their father," said Anakin, smiling.

"Go get Obi Wan off the floor," said Padme, hitting Anakin's arm.


	15. Spacebrawls

Chapter 15

Padme was up and making breakfast for the twins. Luke walked downstairs in his pajamas rubbing his eyes and yawing. Yoda was sitting at the table, grumpier than he had ever been in his long life.

"Morning, Yoda," said Luke, sitting down.

"Up yours," replied the Jedi Master.

Luke looked at Yoda, shocked, and scooted to the other end of the table.

Minutes later, Leia walked into the kitchen, dressed and ready to go.

"Luke," she said nodding her head at him.

"Leia."

Leia sat down as Padme served breakfast. Padme put pancakes and bacon on Yoda's plate.

"Here you go, Yoda," Padme said, cheerfully.

"Go to hell," said Yoda, throwing the plate off the table.

Padme glared at him and started cleaning up his mess.

Anakin walked in happier than ever, making Yoda even angrier.

"Yoda, take that frown off your face," said Anakin.

"Piss off."

"YODA! Enough already!" yelled Padme.

Luke finished breakfast and ran upstairs to get dressed. Obi Wan rushed downstairs in his underwear trying to shave, brush his teeth, and put on his pants at the same time.

"Obi Wan, what's going on?" asked Anakin.

"I'm late for the Tuesday council meeting! I gotta get going!" shouted Obi Wan.

"Today's Monday," said Padme.

"It is?"

"Yes. It is," said Padme.

"DAMMIT! I'M **REALLY** LATE!" yelled Obi Wan. He continued to struggle with his pants and fell flat on the ground. Toothpaste, shaving cream, and saliva now covered the clean spot were Yoda's plate was.

The shuttle for the Academy arrived and Luke and Leia boarded, saying goodbye to their parents and, of course, getting their sack lunches.

When the twins got in, whispers could be heard all the way down the aisle. Leia sat next to Luke in the middle of the shuttle. Two boys sat behind them and started talking.

After a couple of minutes, one boy stood up and looked over the twins' seat.

"Hey, is it true that your dad killed a bunch of sand people?" said the kid, tapping their shoulders.

"Just ignore him," Luke whispered.

"Did he kill an unarmed prisoner once? That's what my dad says. Did he? Huh?" the kid didn't shut up.

Finally, the kid stood up and walked up next to the twins.

"Come on. Did he? Did he?"

Leia, despite resisting for a minute, got up and kicked the kid in the balls. She jumped on him and started punching him in the face. When the kid's friend got up to help, Luke pushed him on the ground. The kid tried to get up, but Luke punched him in the jaw.

The shuttle driver landed at the academy and broke up the fight, taking Luke and Leia to Kit Fisto, the principle of the academy.

"Master Fisto, sir. These two were caught fighting on the shuttle over here," said the driver, holding the twins by their robes.

"Luke? Leia?" said Kit Fisto, "Leave them here, Monty." The driver bowed and left the room.

"Sit down, you two," said Fisto, motioning to the seats in front of his desk.

Luke and Leia sat down, nervous.

"Well this has proven one thing. You are your father's kids," said Fisto, smiling.

Luke and Leia struggled to crack smiles.

"Listen, fighting solves nothing. Anger is a path to the dark side, younglings," said Fisto.

"What's our punishment?" asked Leia.

"I'll have to notify your parents, of course. Also, you two need to apologize to the kids you beat the living crap out of, okay?" said Fisto.

"Okay," said Luke and Leia, surprised at the lack of punishment.

Luke and Leia walked out of the room.

"We are going to GET it when we get home," said Luke.

"Punishment well-worth it," replied Leia, smiling.

"You got that right," said Luke.


	16. We'll have a gay old time!

Chapter 16

The first day at the academy flew by. Nothing special, mostly first day lectures. Luke and Leia were dreading the return home. The shuttle dropped them off at their house and they slowly walked in.

Leia took a deep breath, "Luke, this punishment could beat the time we attempted to flush Yoda down the toilet."

"Good times," replied Luke.

Leia opened the door. Anakin and Padme stood in the living room looking at the twins, arms folded.

"Sit down, both of you," said Anakin.

Anakin paced back and forth in front of the couch with his hands behind his back.

"Dad, before you say anything, I was defending YOU," said Leia, "And Luke was defending ME."

"YOU KICKED HIM IN THE BALLS!" yelled Anakin, his face turning red.

"Dad, the kid was-" Luke started.

"Ah ah," interrupted Anakin, "No. You DO NOT fight, you walk away and ignore them."

Padme started giggling.

"What is so funny?" asked Anakin.

"She, ahem, kicked him in the," Padme started laughing.

"Okay, Padme. Either help me discipline, or go in the kitchen," said Anakin.

Padme headed to the kitchen, her hands over her mouth.

"Dad, we thought we could defend ourselves," said Leia.

"A Jedi uses the force for knowledge and defense, remember? You didn't defend, you attacked," replied Anakin.

"I didn't use the force either," said Leia, smiling.

"Listen, this isn't JUST about fighting, okay? This is about the Skywalker name," explained Anakin, "You two need to uphold our dignity at that place."

Luke and Leia understood. They hugged their dad and apologized.

"Now, from now on, you come home from school and tell me how bad you beat those kids in a lightsaber duel, alright?" said Anakin, smiling.

"Okay," Luke and Leia replied.

The next day was a lot more exciting at the academy. Luke and Leia's first class was "dueling". The teacher walked in front of the students and began the class.

"Welcome to Dueling. I am Master Flintstone (Giggles heard around the room). As a told you yesterday, this class will teach you to handle a lightsaber on the off-chance you will actually have to use it. Let's begin."

The teacher turned on her gold lightsaber. "Who wants to fight me?" she questioned.

"Is she joking?" Luke asked Leia.

"Nobody? Okay, fine. I'll pair you up with a dueling partner and-"

"I'll do it!" said Leia, raising her hand.

"Alrighty then. Let's begin. This is only instructional so I'll use a training saber and a very basic style of fighting," explained Master Flintstone.

Before she could explain anymore, Leia ignited her blue lightsaber and swung for the Master's legs. Flintstone blocked her fast. Leia didn't exactly have a height advantage, so she leaped as high as she could and went for Flintstone's head. Again, it was blocked.

Leia locked sabers with Flintstone and tumbled under her. She stood up and stabbed Flintstone in the back with her training saber. The whole class applauded.

"Well done, Leia! Well done! Now, my assistant, Dino, will help the rest of you!" the class erupted with laughter. "What?" said Flintstone.


	17. My Favorite Character Arrives!

Chapter 17

Luke and Leia came home from school and saw a delivery ship outside.

"What did we get?" asked Luke.

The twins ran inside and saw Obi Wan assembling a ping-pong table.

"Surprise! It came just in time! I can't wait to try it out!" yelled Obi Wan.

"You got a ping-pong table?" said Leia, surprised, "Where's Mom and Dad?"

"I told you this morning that there on vacation. I'm watching you for a few days, remember?" replied Obi Wan.

"Oh. Yeah," said Leia.

Luke, however, was excited. He ran over to Obi Wan and helped him set it up. One hour later, the table was ready to go. Obi Wan taught Luke how to play and the two were playing for about two hours.

Leia microwaved her own supper since the boys were much too preoccupied with ping-pong to worry about eating. Yoda had now joined them and was happier than he had been in a long time.

"Okay, Luke, me and you, winner takes Yoda," said Obi Wan.

"Alright!"

Luke served and began his 43rd game of ping-pong. Leia walked in to witness the madness.

"Aren't you guys hungry?" asked Leia, cutting up her hot pocket.

"We ordered a pizza," replied Obi Wan, not looking at Leia.

"Yoda, do you need a stool or something?" asked Leia.

"Are you kidding? He hasn't lost yet," replied Luke, hitting the ball back.

It was 11 o'clock at night and Leia couldn't sleep over the ping-pong noises from downstairs. She got out of bed and walked over to the stairs.

"You've been playing for eight hours! GO TO BED!" yelled Leia.

"Not yet," said Obi Wan, frantically retaliating Yoda's shots.

Leia finally lost it, "SO HELP ME GOD! IF YOU DON'T GET UP HERE AND GET TO BED I WILL PUNCH YOU SO HARD YOU WILL FLY INTO A VORTEX OF HELL YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE IN YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES!"

The three stared at Leia, amazed, then put down their paddles and went upstairs.

Leia had heard Anakin unleash that threat on a pizza guy once, only with harsher language. Leia, now satisfied, headed to her room and fell asleep.

On Saturday morning, Leia woke up to the sound of ping-pong. She heard the sound of arguing between Obi Wan and Yoda.

"YOU CAN'T SERVE LIKE THAT! IT'S ILLEGAL!" yelled Obi Wan.

"SAYS WHO?" Yoda yelled back.

"SAYS THE RULES OF PING-PONG! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU HAVE TO HIT THE BALL OUT OF YOUR HANDS AND ON TO THE TABLE! NOT BOUNCE THE BALL ON THE TABLE AND HIT IT!" Obi Wan argued.

"Um, where's Luke?" asked Leia walking down the stairs.

"He's helping your new neighbors move in," said Obi Wan.

"New neighbors?"

"Yeah. Are you deaf?" Obi Wan answered.

Leia glared at him and went outside. She saw a moving ship and a family of three, a father, mother, and son. The dad had a hat over his thinning brown hair, a cigarette in his mouth, and a goatee. The mom had short, brown hair and a cigarette in her mouth as well. They had a son that looked about Luke and Leia's age. He had short brown hair and was wearing a black vest and brown pants. He was walking next to Luke carrying a box that looked like it was filled with his things.

The parents spotted Leia and walked over to her.

"Mornin'! Name's Rick Solo, this is Sherry," said the dad, shaking her hand and pointing to his wife.

"Ohhhhhh, look atchu! Aren't you the cutest thing I've ever seen!" Sherry said in a raspy voice, pinching Leia's cheeks.

"Oh! Almost forgot. That li'l guy over there is our son, Han," Rick said, pointing to his son, "I reckon he's happy havin' you kids next door."

……………………………………………………….

Yeah, I don't know if Han's supposed to be older but who cares. There won't be any updating for a week, I'll be in Texas, so R/R as always.


	18. The Mighty Tauntauns

Chapter 18

Leia walked over to Han and Luke after they brought in Han's box.

"Hi! My name's Leia," she said, waving to Han.

"I'm Han. Where are your parents? They didn't come out to say hi."

"Oh, they're on vacation, they'll be back some time tonight. That's Obi Wan and Yoda," said Leia, pointing to the Jedi masters who were now greeting Han's parents.

"Leia! Han signed up for basketball and him and me are on the same team! We have our first practice tonight!" said Luke, excited.

"Hm. That's nice. Anyway, you wanna come over to our house for a while?" Leia asked Han.

"Sure. Besides unpacking and setting up my room I got nothing else to do," replied Han, following Luke and Leia next door.

………………………………………………

"Anakin, we've passed this already. Pull over," said Padme. Anakin was driving through the newly constructed intergalactic highway. Lightspeed had been banned throughout the galaxy due to the increasing amount of drunk flyers. Cops were sick of dealing with drunk idiots ramming into republic star ships and each other. Although for sober flyers, the highway was much too stressful.

"I'm not pulling over, this whole exit system is just complicated, I'll figure it ou- DAMMIT USE A BLINKER YOU PSYCHO!" Anakin yelled.

"Oh, Anakin, I think that was our exit," said Padme, pointing to a ramp leading off the highway.

"WHAT EXIT? THERE'S, LIKE, FIFTY EXITS LEADING TO DIFFERENT COORDINATES OF DIFFERENT PLANETS! AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!" Anakin yelled and pulled off the road.

"Ani, maybe I should drive," said Padme giving him some headache medicine.

"Get the map," said Anakin, rubbing his head. Padme took out the map and unfolded it.

"Look, that's our exit, 12847B," said Padme pointing to a spot on the map.

"Okay, you're right," replied Anakin. He pulled back on onto the highway and started towards their exit to Naboo.

……………………………………….

Leia waited at home watching TV with Obi Wan and Yoda.

"HA HA HA HA HA! THEY JUST DROPPED A JUNIOR MINT INTO THE PATIENT! I MEAN, HE'S HAVING SURGERY AND THEY DROPPED IT IN THERE! THIS IS SO FUNNY!" Obi Wan yelled and started laughing uncontrollably.

"Yeah, it's pretty funny," replied Leia, watching Obi Wan rolling on the floor crying.

"A show about nothing, this is," said Yoda, getting off the couch and heading to the kitchen.

Anakin and Padme walked through the door, stressed and bringing in luggage.

"MOM! DAD!" yelled Leia, jumping off the couch and hugging them both.

"Hey, Obi Wan, aren't you picking up Luke from practice?" asked Anakin, concerned.

"No. New neighbors are taking him home. Nice people. Good kid," replied Obi Wan.

A ship was landing outside and Luke and Han jumped out of the back seat, talking. Luke ran up to Anakin and started talking.

"Dad, you have to coach our team! Our coach quit!" yelled Luke.

"What? What happened?"

"Well, he had a mental breakdown today. First, his cat viciously attacked him and when he called 911, his wife ran outside with bags of clothes and stole his ship along with most of the money in the house, then he hotwired his neighbors ship and tried to chase her, but the police came after him and caught him after he hit a deer on the road. Then, after a struggle with the cops, he stole THEIR ship and took off. He hit a homeless guy in front of 34 eye-witnesses and escaped from the cops again.Then he took off for the gym to have practice and ended up trying to kidnap us, but we got away easily. He was arrested and has been declared legally insane. They still haven't found his wife," explained Luke.

"Wow. I guess I can. This is just so sudden," replied Anakin.

"Great! Here, look, our coach already gave us our uniforms before he tried to kidnap us," said Luke, pulling a jersey out of a box. Anakin took a look at it.

"The "Tauntauns"?" Anakin read the front of the jersey. The jersey was purple with silver letters outlined in white.

"Yeah! Aren't they awesome?" yelled Luke.

Anakin just smiled and patted Luke's head.

"Me and Yoda are going to the store to pick up some donuts," said Obi Wan as he and Yoda walked out the door.

"Whatever," replied Anakin, waving his hand.

………………………………………………………..

Yoda and Obi Wan were walking outside the store eating their donuts. The parking lot was empty except for the two Jedi masters. Suddenly, a middle-aged man ran out of the bushes towards Obi Wan.

"Oh thank God! Jedi! You have to help me! He's going to kill me!" the man yelled.

"Stand back," said Obi Wan, boldly. He handed the donut box to Yoda, as he was pretty much useless in this situation.

A man in black wearing a mask rushed out of the bushes. Obi Wan ignited his lightsaber.

"If you want to kill him, you'll have to ki- uh, get through me," said Obi Wan, staring him down.

"Okay," said the man. He drew his blaster and shot Obi Wan in the foot.

"OWIE! GOD ALMIGHTY THAT HURTS!" yelled Obi Wan, falling to the ground.

Yoda turned out to be not so useless after all. He was at the pay phone calling the cops. They arrived immediately. The masked man shot the middle-aged man in the chest, but Yoda tore off his mask to reveal his face. The police arrived and started talking to the Jedi.

"Okay, so you guys saw the whole thing?" asked one cop.

"Yeah. He shot my foot," replied Obi Wan.

"Yean, we got that. Anyway, we have no choice, we need to put you both in the witness protection program until we catch this guy," said the cop.

……………………………………………………..

Padme was talking on the phone to the cops with everyone sitting down and waiting for the news. She hung up the phone.

"Well, Obi Wan and Yoda witnessed a murder and now they have to be in the witness protection program," explained Padme.

"What? Couldn't Obi Wan have prevented it?" asked Anakin.

"The guy shot him in the foot," said Padme.

"Oh for God's sake," said Anakin, throwing his arms in the air.

"Well, you kids need some sleep," said Padme, looking at Luke, Han, and Leia.

"Well, I should go back to my house. Mom and Dad are probably waiting for me," said Han, "Bye Mr. Skywalker, Mrs. Skywalker," said Han, waving.

"You know, I can't really put my finger on it, but Han's parents remind me of something. I just don't know what it is," said Anakin. He turned on the TV and the opening sequence of "King of the Hill" sounded through the house.

…………………………………………….

All right. Back from Texas. San Antonio isn't that bad. I've never seen so many freakin' Spurs jerseys in my life, but still, it was good. Just a suggestion, any body residing in New Braunfels, Texas, write a petition to change your high school's name! The "Unicorns" is just not that intimidating. Just a suggestion…


	19. At Guard, 23, Lando Calrissean!

Chapter 19

"Well, there they go," said Padme watching a space shuttle carry Obi Wan and Yoda to safety.

"Where ARE they going?" asked Leia.

"The police were not at liberty to tell us," replied Anakin.

"Dad, it's time for practice!" yelled Luke from inside.

Anakin unlocked his star fighter and hopped inside. Han ran outside and met Luke in the front yard.

"Bye Han!" said Leia, waving to him.

"Yeah, bye," Han quickly said and jumped on board with Luke.

…………………………………….

"Well Yoda, here we are," said Obi Wan, looking at the ground below their secure planet, Kamino.

"The clone planet?" said Yoda.

"Yeah. The clone planet."

Yoda and Obi Wan got off the ship and took their bags inside to get out of the never-ending rain. Taun We greeted them at the front.

"Welcome to Kamino," she said.

"BIG BIRD!" yelled Yoda as ran to Taun We and hugged her.

"O…..kay, anyway, follow me gentlemen," said Taun We, leading them to their rooms.

The two Jedi walked into their room to see a bunk bed, a bathroom, and a sign that said "We have HBO".

"Remember, if you want a breakfast buffet in the morning, it's only ten dollars not including extra syrup," said Taun We.

Taun We left so the two could get situated.

"TOP BUNK!" yelled Obi wan.

"SHOWER!" yelled Yoda.

Obi Wan attempted to jump onto the top bunk but smacked his face on the rail. Yoda ran to the bathroom, slid on a wet floor, tried to grab the shower curtain but pulled it off its rings and fell flat on his ass, a broken curtain in his hand.

…………………………………..

"Okay everybody, roll call," shouted Anakin as he read the kids' names off the list, "Bobby, Luke, Han, Carl," Anakin paused at the next name, "Nipple?"

"It's pronounced Na-PELL, sir," said a kid with short, messy black hair.

"Okay then… Ahem… Lando?"

"Here, sir," said a kid standing behind Han.

"Okay, good, everyone's here. Let's get started. Show me a lay-up," said Anakin threw the ball to Han. Han drove in and banked off the backboard and into the hoop. He rebounded and passed to Luke.

Luke dribbled clumsily and barely made his shot. He threw it to Nipple who completely missed and passed it to Bobby. Bobby and Carl both made their shots and Carl passed to Lando. Lando dribbled through his legs, jumped higher than anyone else, and finger-rolled the ball into the hoop with ease. The kids all applauded him.

"Wow. That was, um, pretty damn good," said Anakin. The children gasped at his profanity.

……………………………….

Anakin arrived home and Han jumped out and ran back to his house.

"Dad? I really need to practice more. I don't want the other kids laughing at me because I'm not as good," said Luke, a little worried.

"Luke, there's a kid on your team named "Nipple", skill has nothing to do with it," replied Anakin.

"Well hey there, neighbor!" yelled Rick Solo from the front yard.

"Hey Rick, what's going on?"

"Well, I was wondering if you need any help with the coaching and all?" asked Rick.

"Well, I guess a little help from you won't hurt," replied Anakin.

"From me? Nah. I was talkin' about this sack of oranges," said Rick, holding up his invention.

"What?" asked Anakin, at a loss for words.

"Well, when those hyperactive monsters start acting up, you just hold this here sack up and tell them if they don't want a whooping they need to behave. Works like a charm," said Rick, smiling.

"No thanks Rick. I'm not really for that," said Anakin, laughing.

"Thing about it, though, I ain't never had to use it on old Han. That kid always knew how to act, you know what I'm talking about?"

Anakin saw Leia put Luke in a headlock on the front porch, "No I don't know," answered Anakin.


	20. When Obi Met Sera

Chapter 20

"Luke, wake up! Game time!" Anakin yelled upstairs. Anakin was dressed in a dark blue suit and tie with neatly combed hair and dress shoes.

"Do you think I'm over dressed?" Anakin asked Padme.

"Well, it IS just seven-year-olds playing basketball," replied Padme.

Anakin frowned and took another look at the roster.

Luke ran down the stairs in his jersey and shorts.

"Alright! Let's go!" shouted Luke.

"Me and Leia will be there when it starts," said Padme, cleaning the table.

Leia was in the corner of the room practicing with her remote.

"Dad, we're playing Mace Windu's team today!" said Luke.

"What? I didn't know he coached," said Anakin.

………………………………………..

Yoda and Obi Wan woke up early to catch breakfast. Obi Wan grabbed a plate and headed over to the waffle-maker. He got to it at the same time as another guest. He wasn't watching and accidentally ran into her.

"DON'T SHOOT ME!" yelled Obi Wan, dropping his plate and shielding his face with his hands.

"Whoa! Sorry, didn't see you. Um, are you okay?" asked the women. She had long, brown hair and was just as tall as Obi Wan. Obi Wan stood quietly, staring at her.

"Uh, I… Waffle… you can…. Um…. first," Obi Wan stuttered.

The women smiled and started making her waffle.

"My name's Sera," she said, waiting for his name.

"Well, my name's Obi Wan, but most people just call me… Obi Wan," he answered foolishly.

Sera's waffle was finished and she placed it on her plate.

"Where are you sitting?" asked Sera.

"Oh, my friend's over there," said Obi Wan, pointing to Yoda, "I better join him. If he's alone for too long he foams at the mouth and scratches people's faces while singing "Tears of a Clown". I'll see you around," replied Obi Wan, waving goodbye.

………………………………………..

Anakin and Luke arrived at the gym to a full house.

"Look, Dad! It's Mace and his team. He has a whole cheering section," said Luke, pointing to the chanting crowd behind Mace.

"RICH WHA? RICHMOND! RICH WHA? RICHMOND!" the crowd screamed.

The game started and both teams seemed to be equal in strength. The score remained steadily the same. The game wound down to 11 seconds left. The Tauntauns were trailing by one point. Anakin called a timeout and gathered his team.

"Okay, we're going to run this play here," Anakin pointed to his dry-erase board and the kids nodded in understanding, "Remember, when in doubt, give the ball to Lando."

"Right," said all the kids in unison, except Lando.

"All right, hands in. Tauntauns on three, one, two, three,"

"TAUNTAUNS!" yelled the team.

The teams took the floor and prepared for the last 11 seconds of the game. Nipple passed it in to Han who took the ball down the court quickly. But the defense caught on quickly, Han couldn't complete the play, there was 7 seconds left.

"Lando!" yelled Han, he quickly threw the ball to Lando.

Lando planted his feet and looked towards the goal, but was quickly surrounded by three Richmond players. He found a gap and threw to the only player open, Luke.

3 seconds left.

Luke was in two-point range. He looked up and shot the ball…


	21. You Didn't See THAT Coming

Chapter 21

The shot hit the back of the rim and flew out as the buzzer sounded to signal the end of the game. Luke stared in disbelief as the Richmond players cleared the bench and celebrated. Anakin walked up to his son and put his hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay, son. It's only a game," said Anakin, trying to comfort him.

"Huh, buh, I, don, bluh," Luke stuttered.

The Tauntauns left the court broken-hearted. Leia walked up to Luke.

"Sorry about what happened, Luke," said Leia.

"I'll be fine. It's only a game. That I lost. For the team," said Luke, putting his head down.

The next day at school, Luke was carrying his food tray to an empty table in the corner. He hadn't made any Jedi friends yet and Leia ate at a different time. Luke sat down and started eating. A girl Luke's age walked over to his table. She had long, red hair and brown eyes. She sat across from Luke and introduced herself.

"Hi. I'm Mara Jade," she said, smiling.

Luke looked up and was at a loss for words, but he managed to introduce himself.

"I – I'm Luke Skywalker."

……………………………...

"Yoda, you can't king yourself! This is chess!" yelled Obi Wan.

"Fine. Correct your are," said Yoda.

There was a knock on the door and Obi Wan got up to answer it.

"Hello," said Taun We, "I have this message for you from a Sera Everu."

"GIMME!" yelled Obi Wan, taking the note out of her hand.

Taun We glanced at Yoda who was staring at her and getting off his chair.

"Okay! Gotta go! Bye!" shouted Taun We, slamming the door and running down the hall.

Obi Wan started reading the letter.

"Yes! Score! She wants to see me tonight! I haven't had a relationship since I was 13!"

"A hologram, that was," said Yoda, giving Obi Wan a weird look.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Obi Wan, running into the bathroom and slamming the door.

………………………………………

"So, once I get the money, I'll be able to build my own pod racer, like my dad," Luke explained to Mara.

"I'll be glad to help. My dad's a mechanic. He teaches me everything he knows," said Mara.

"Hey, do you have history next hour?" asked Luke.

"Yeah. I do."

"Great! Maybe I can pair up with you for that project we're starting on today," suggested Luke.

"Sounds good," said Mara, getting up and flashing Luke a smile. Luke got up, looking at Mara and tripped over the leg of the table and fell on his face.

………………………………………

Anakin walked in the front door to see Padme looking a bit nervous but happy at the same time.

"Okay, what's going on?" asked Anakin, sensing her feelings.

"Well, Anakin, I'm going – **sigh** – I'm pregnant," said Padme, smiling.

"Hunna gooda wha?"

"I'm pregnant," she repeated.

"You mean, the vacation – and we – and now," Anakin pointed to Padme's stomach.

"Yes," said Padme, getting impatient.

"That – that's great!" said Anakin, now getting a grip on the reality of the situation.

The shuttle from the academy arrived and Luke and Leia walked out, unaware of the news…

…………………………………….

Bombshell! Ha! Anyway, I'm using Jade as Mara's last name. I really don't know that much about extended universe but I thought she'd be cool to add. R/R


	22. Dukes of Kamino

Chapter 22

"Kids, sit down for a second," said Anakin.

Luke and Leia sat on the couch, a little confused.

"Kids, you're going to have a new brother or sister," said Padme.

"Hunna gooda wha?" Luke stuttered.

"You heard her," said Anakin.

"Congrats, guys!" a voice yelled from the kitchen.

"Han? What the hell are you doing here?" asked Anakin.

"I'm making a sandwich. You guys are out of ham," replied Han. Leia ran inside the kitchen to say hi to him.

Suddenly, Han's parents burst through the door with a platter of cookies.

"Congratulations! We just heard!" said Shelly.

Han hung up the phone, "That was quick."

"Anakiiiiiin. That was what that vacation was. Eh? Eh?" said Rick, nudging Anakin with his elbow.

About an hour later, the doorbell rang.

"That's for me!" shouted Luke, jumping out of his chair and opening the door.

"Hi Mara."

"Hi! You wanna get started?" she suggested, holding up her history book.

"You bet!" replied Luke.

Han started following Leia outside, but stopped in front of Mara.

"Well, hello there, miss," said Han smoothly, nodding his head.

Leia rolled her eyes and grabbed Han's arm, "Come on."

……………………………………..

"So the guy says, "Rancor? Damn near killed her!" HA!" Obi Wan told Sera.

"Obi Wan, you're too funny," Sera giggled.

"Well, I work out."

"What?"

"Nothing."

At the end of the date, Obi Wan and Sera were walking down the hallway to Obi Wan's room. They stopped at the door.

"Well, this was fun," said Obi Wan.

Sera leaned forward to kiss him, but Yoda burst through the door (making a small hole) in his confederate flag underwear screaming, " YEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWW!" as he jumped out the window.

………………...

"Wait, let me get this straight. Yoda helped destroy the Sith? Yoda?" asked Luke, surprised.

"Yeah, why?" replied Mara.

"Oh how the mighty have fallen," said Luke.

Mara giggled, "Where is Yoda, anyway? Doesn't he live here?"

"Him and Obi Wan Kenobi are in the witness protection program. WE don't even know where they are," replied Luke.

"You must live an interesting life," said Mara, smiling.

………………………………….

Han and Leia were walking on the trail outside when they spotted someone.

"Whoa! Get down!" said Leia, harshly. The two ducked behind a bush.

"What? Who is that?" asked Han.

"That's the guy who shot Obi Wan in the foot! There's wanted posters of him everywhere!" said Leia.

"Well, let's take him down!" said Han, taking out a small blaster.

Leia smiled and took out her training saber.


	23. Office Space

Chapter 23

"Okay, Leia. Just follow my lead," said Han. The alleged foot-shooter was ringing the doorbell of a house.

Han and Leia approached him. Han made the first move.

"Alright, hands up! DROP THE BRIEFCASE!" yelled Han.

"Wha? I – Huh?" said the man, startled.

"I'm Kojak Friday, this is my partner Murphy Brown," said Han, pointing to Leia, Leia gave him a weird look.

"You – you're just kids!" said the man.

"HEY! We happen to have a genetic disorder called dwarfism! NOW DROP IT!" yelled Han.

The man dropped the briefcase and put up his hands, utterly confused and scared.

"Alright, now I'm going to shoot this police flare into the sky and in a few minutes, we'll have backup," said Han, shooting a bright flare into the air.

…………………………………………… Hours later……………………….

"You attacked a salesman?" asked Anakin, angry.

"Well, he looked like the criminal! Seriously!" said Leia.

"Okay Han, your parents should be here any-" the sound of Han's parents talking cut Anakin off.

"Hun, could you get me a smoke?" asked Rick.

"Where are your smokes?" asked Sherry.

"I dunno, you had 'em."

"The only smokes I see are MY smokes."

"Those gotta be my smokes."

"They can't be your smokes, I got 'em yesterday."

"Wait, where are my smokes I got three days ago?"

"Ya smoked em already."

"There ain't no way I – oh, wait. Maybe I did smoke 'em."

"Yeah ya did."

"Wait, I couldn't have smoked 'em already I-"

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET IN HERE!" yelled Anakin.

Rick and Shelly walked in looking at Han.

"There's my little crime fighter!" said Rick, rubbing Han's head.

"Hey, wait, Rick. He attacked a salesman," said Anakin.

"I thought he was the guy who shot Mr. Kenobi in the foot," said Han, defending himself.

"I don't care either way," said Rick, "What are we doing? Going to dinner? Mini golf? We gotta celebrate."

"Rick, I'm trying to hand out discipline here," replied Anakin, annoyed.

"Oh. Han, your grounded," said Rick, winking at Han.

"Oh for God's sake, just take him home," said Anakin.

Padme walked in with a letter in hand.

"Anakin, this is yours," said Padme, disrupting Anakin's punishment for Leia.

Anakin opened the letter and read it, a frown growing on his face.

"Oh crap," said Anakin.

"What?" asked Padme.

"Apparently I'm not getting any income for three months. I have to get a freakin' desk job! They're not even giving a reason!" Anakin started cursing and ranting, completely forgetting Leia's punishment.

………………………………………………………..The next day………………

"Okay, this is your cubicle Mr. Skywalker. Welcome to Vinatech," said a women who was working with the company.

"When's lunch?" asked Anakin in a grumpy voice.

"Lunch is at 12:00, you get 45 minutes. Remember, here at Vinatech, we're a family, and families-" Anakin cut her off.

"Save it. I'm here for three months to put food on the table and then I'm out."

"You know, you Jedi should be more grateful we're helping you by giving you these jobs in your time of-"

"SAVE IT!" said Anakin, holding up a hand. The women frowned and walked away. Anakin took out a picture of Padme and set it on his cramped desk. He took out a picture of Luke and one of Leia and set them there as well.

"ANAKIN!" Plo Koon quickly poked his head over a cubicle wall.

"GOD IN HEAVEN!" Anakin fell backwards and out of his chair, spilling his coffee.

………………………………………………………..

"Well Luke, we're almost finished," said Mara, closing her book and heading out the door.

"So, I guess we'll finish up tomorrow," said Luke.

"Yeah. Tomorrow."

After an awkward silence, Mara leaned over and kissed Luke on the cheek.

"Bye," said Mara, walking out the door.

"Buh," was all that came out of Luke's mouth.

………………………………………………………

"So I'm grounded for a week and you go bowling with your dad. That's fair," said Leia, laughing.

"That's my dad. But for what it's worth, it was still a lot of fun scaring that guy half to death," said Han, smiling.

Leia looked at Han for a second, and then leaned in to kiss his cheek.

"Gotta go! See ya tomorrow," said a startled Han, dodging the kiss.

Leia frowned and walked back to the Skywalker house.


	24. Secret Agent Man

Chapter 24

The Tauntauns walked off the court with the score Banthas 54, Tauntauns 2. Mara walked up to Luke.

"Well, the important thing is you tried, Luke," she said, putting her hand on his shoulder.

"We only scored two points. And they were because of goal tending," said Luke.

"Well, this has been a great morning. I gotta get back to work," Anakin told Luke.

"But it's Saturday," Luke groaned.

"I know. But when you're an adult you have to do what's asked of you. Even if you ARE tempted to take out a lightsaber and destroy everything in sight," said Anakin, smiling.

…………………………………..

Obi Wan sat in front of the TV in his boxers. Empty Papa John's pizza boxes were stacked to the ceiling.

"Damn you Yoda," said Obi Wan, looking at the only picture of Sera he had.

"Truly sorry, I am," said Yoda.

"Stop talking backwards you little green freak! What are you trying to prove!" yelled Obi Wan.

"Fine. YOU SUCK!" shouted Yoda.

"STOP YELLING AT ME!"

There was a knock on the door and a voice came from outside, "Hey, It's okay with me that you two are a gay couple, but we're trying to sleep in the next room."

Obi Wan looked at Yoda, "Maybe we should stop," he said quietly.

Yoda just nodded, staring at the door in shock.

……………………………………

Monday at the Academy, Luke and Mara sat at their usual table to eat.

"I think this presentation is an "A" easy," said Mara.

Before Luke could answer, a man sat down next to them. Luke recognized him immediately.

"Rick? What are you doing here?" Luke asked his neighbor.

"Shhh. You must refer to me as "Master Skynyrd". I'm undercover investigating the growing income problem. Your dad and three other Jedi are working desk jobs, the other is, well, let's not get into that with you kids here. Anyway, I'm going to solve the problem," Rick replied. His disguise was a wig, sunglasses, and a long, fake beard.

"Um, Rick? Do you have permission for this investigation?" asked Luke.

"Hell no. I work alone. I'm like a rogue agent, see?" replied Rick.

"You look like a member of ZZ Top," said Mara, "And I don't think you're going to solve the problem at a youngling section of a Jedi Academy."

Rick frowned at Mara and swiftly left the table.

…………………………………..

Anakin was typing away at his computer. Plo walked up and leaned against Anakin's cubicle wall with a mug of coffee in his hand.

"So. Great weather we're having," said Plo.

"Yeah, wonderful," replied Anakin, still focusing on his computer.

"So. Padme's having a baby."

"Yeah," said Anakin.

Plo looked around and sipped his coffee.

"So. How 'bout them Cowboys?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Anakin, who finally stopped typing.

Plo slowly walked back into his cubicle and started working.


	25. Escape From Kamino

Chapter 25

Luke and Mara walked down the hall to their next class.

"What's that?" asked Mara, pointing to something on Luke's belt.

"Rick gave me a walkie-talkie. He says he'll call on me in an emergency," explained Luke. Suddenly, a voice came over the walkie-talkie.

"Sparrow, this is Blues Traveler. I'm on the inside getting some good stuff. I'm undercover as a supervisor for the teachers but I have to get out of this room. I need you to…"

"NO!" shouted Luke.

"Fine! I'll pay some other kid to do it. It really isn't that big of a deal. Blues Traveler out," the walkie-talkie fell silent.

……………………………………….

Rick was sitting in a full classroom in the middle of a lecture. He looked at the window anxiously. A kid poked his head up outside the window and looked at Rick. Rick nodded at him. The kid opened the window and screamed.

"PENIS!" he yelled for the whole academy to hear.

The teacher quickly looked towards the window and picked up a yardstick.

"NOT IN **THIS** CLASSROOM!" she walked over to the window and beat the kid repeatedly in the face. In the midst of the chaos, Rick slipped out the door to do further investigating.

……………………………………..

Obi Wan was walking around the halls. He started daydreaming about what he called the "Glory Days" when he was in his prime. A montage ran through his mind of him and Qui-Gon skipping through a meadow cutting federation droids in half with the song "We've Only Just Begun" playing in the background. Obi Wan's dream stopped when he ran into someone familiar.

"Oh! I'm terribly sorry. I am C-3P0, human-" Obi Wan cut him off.

"Threepio! It's been a while."

"Oh, Master Kenobi! I must say I'm happy to see you," replied Threepio.

"Hello, Artoo," said Obi Wan. The astro droid beeped happily at Obi Wan.

While the three talked, a man was crouched behind a pile of boxes, a blaster in hand.

"Okay, there's the old guy, now where's the green guy?" the man thought to himself.

Yoda walked in right on cue wearing nothing but a hand towel.

"Obi Wan, we're officially out of conditioner. I think we should-" a shot from a blaster flew over Yoda's head. He screamed in a high-pitched voice and leapt behind Obi Wan. Obi Wan looked over at the boxes.

"IT'S THE FOOT-SHOOTER!" he yelled. Obi Wan started running in the opposite direction.

"OH MY!" yelled Threepio. The man noticed him and shot him in the chest, separating him into six different pieces. Artoo shot out a net and scooped up the pieces. He started to follow Obi Wan.

"GET BACK HERE!" yelled the man. He chased after them.

Obi Wan, Yoda, Artoo and Threepio ended up on the landing dock.

"Artoo! Hotwire that starfighter!" yelled Obi Wan. Artoo quickly went to work.

"HE'S HERE!" yelled Obi Wan, pointing to the man, who now had a sadistic look on his face and was foaming at the mouth.

"I'll handle this," said Yoda, boldly. He reached for his lightsaber but he was only wearing a towel. He yanked the towel off to reveal a disturbing sight.

"AAAAAA! OH MY GOD! I – I 'M BLIND! I CAN'T SEE!" yelled the foot-shooter, rubbing his eyes.

"Yoda! Let's go!" yelled Obi Wan as Artoo beeped frantically.

Yoda fixed the towel and jumped in the ship. As they flew away, they saw Kamino security taking the criminal away.

"Oh, I guess there was no need for a daring escape," said Obi Wan, shrugging.

……………………………………..

Sorry for the short chapter, I've been really busy. And no Chiefs game goes unwatched in THIS house. R/R!


	26. The Author Hits Fast Forward

Chapter 26

Anakin sat across from his annoying boss, listening to his never-ending rant.

"Now Anakin, I know you're used to being the "big Jedi master" and "the chosen one", but here at Vinatech, we are all one person," he said, making gestures with his hands.

Anakin nodded.

"Now, I believe that you believe punching Randy in the face in the break room was the right thing to do, but I believe it wasn't," he continued.

"Sorry, I just don't take comments about my wife's ass lightly," said Anakin, forming a fist.

"Well, Anakin, if Randy wants to boost morale around here with some office humor it's his right to do so. He's a valued employee-" Anakin got up quickly and punched his boss in the face. His boss fell backwards out of his chair. Anakin straightened out his robes and left the room, then the building.

………………………………..

"So I punched him and walked out of the building," Anakin explained to Padme.

"It's funny, you can wield one of the most lethal weapons in the galaxy, but your first impulse is to punch someone in the face," said Padme.

"I figure this is overkill," said Anakin, pointing to his lightsaber.

"Well, what are you doing for income? You only made it a month," said Padme.

"I was about to tell you. Obi Wan and Yoda are coming back and they both have their income coming in, they have been getting money this whole month and haven't spent any on Kamino since the police department paid for everything so that should get us by for two months," replied Anakin.

The door opened and Yoda and Obi Wan walked in with the droids.

"Hey guys! How was the witness protection program?" asked Padme.

"We'd rather not discuss it," said Obi Wan.

"Threepio? Artoo?" Anakin walked up to the droids, "What happened?" he asked, looking at Threepio in the net.

"Your protocol droid doesn't know how to dodge a blaster shot. Artoo will fix him," replied Obi Wan. Artoo dragged Threepio to the shed and began working.

Luke and Leia walked through the door and saw Obi Wan and Yoda.

"YOU'RE BACK!" they both shouted.

"Yep. And I'm tired so I'm going to sit here and watch TV 'til I can't see straight," replied Obi Wan, plopping down on the couch and turning on the TV.

"Hey look! Rick's on TV!" shouted Luke. Anakin was shocked at what he saw. Rick was being dragged off the academy grounds by police.

Han walked in drinking a root beer.

"Han, listen. Your dad is being arrested," Padme explained, thinking Han was scared and confused.

"Yeah, don't worry. I'm taping it. He likes to keep his arrests on record via video," said Han calmly, "Mom's on her way to the police station to bail him out."

"Hm. And to think I thought it was a big deal," said Anakin, walking to the kitchen.

………………..8 uneventful months later………………..

Luke and Leia sat in the waiting room of the hospital awaiting the arrival of their new sibling. Han and Leia were playing cards on one side of the room, Luke was reading a comic book on the other side.

Leia was a bit nervous and wasn't exactly concentrating.

"Leia? Are you okay?" asked Han.

"What? Oh, yeah, I'm fine," said Leia, waving her hand.

"You've got nothing to worry about," said Han. Leia didn't say anything.

"I bet your hungry. You wanna get a snack from the vending machine down the hall?" suggested Han. Leia smiled and followed Han, holding his hand.

……………………………..

"You can do it, Padme, just push," Anakin encouraged while standing by the window.

"Mr. Skywalker, don't you want to see this?" asked one doctor.

"NO!" Anakin accidentally yelled.

"Haven't you seen this before?" asked another doctor.

"No. I was a little busy tracking down and killing the last remaining Sith lord in order to save the galaxy and fulfill the prophecy," Anakin answered.

"We got a head!" one doctor shouted. Anakin peeked over in the corner of his eye.

"Almost done, one more push!" encouraged the doctor.

Anakin finally turned around and saw his baby.

"It's a boy!" the doctor shouted.

"YES!" again, Anakin accidentally shouted. Padme gave him a weird look.

Obi Wan burst through the door.

"AH! A baby!" he shouted, pointing to the new Skywalker Padme was cradling.

"Yeah, that's a baby," said Anakin, looking at Obi Wan.

"What about the name?" asked Obi Wan.

Anakin and Padme's eyes widened. They forgot the name.

"We're, uh, thinking about it," said Padme.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" asked Obi Wan.

"Boy," answered Anakin.

"Dang. I was thinking Shmi. Okay, how about Obi Wan?"

"No," said Anakin and Padme.

"I got one," said Padme. Every eye in the room was on her, "How about Kellen?"

There was a pause.

"Kellen sounds good," said Anakin.

"Kellen Obi Wan Skywalker," said Obi Wan.

"Shut up," said Anakin, looking at his newborn son.


	27. Welcome to the World, Kellen

Chapter 27

At home, Obi Wan was holding Kellen and watching "Coach" on TV.

"You see, Kellen. Luther spilled grape juice all over Christine's new white carpet. That's a no no," explained Obi Wan, "HAHAHAHAHA! He's wiping it up with her bathrobe!"

Kellen giggled with Obi Wan. Obi Wan kicked the coffee table as a result of his insane laughter and knocked over his grape juice on the carpet.

"Oh crap. Well, no problem. We'll just watch the show and see what they do," said Obi Wan as the stain settled.

Padme walked in the door with groceries and saw the stain. She screamed and dropped the bags and ran to clean it up.

"Don't have a cow, man. I was just going to figure out how to – HAHAHAHAHA! THE OVEN'S ON FIRE!" Obi Wan laughed.

"There. Done. Now, Obi Wan, Mara and Luke are working on a science project. DO NOT help them!" said Padme, sternly.

"What? What's that supposed to mean?"

"I've seen your work. I don't need my son doing a science project over "The Effects of Urine and Mucus," replied Padme.

………………………………………

Anakin was in a meeting with the Jedi council.

"Okay, if that's all the business for today we can leave," said Mace, adjourning the meeting.

"Ahem," Ki Adi Mundi drew Mace's attention and nodded to the door.

"Oh. Right. I forgot, it seems Tooty O'Mally the fashion designer wants to go over lightsaber colors and robes and crap before we leave."

Everyone groaned in disapproval.

Mace ignored them. "Come on in."

A short man with spiked up hair and a tight pink shirt tiptoed into the room rolling a cart with various garments.

"Okay! Are we all super excited?" he yelled with a lisp and a 9-year-old girl's voice.

Anakin rested his elbow on the arm of his chair and laid his head on his hand, rolling his eyes.

"SUPER! Now, first things first! The robes. I was thinking a more casual look," Tooty held up leather pants in different colors.

"And the shirts?" asked Anakin.

"No shirts! Except the women, of course," replied Tooty, "And the pants match the color of your lightsaber! Isn't that cute!"

"Mace, I can't stand much more of this," Anakin whispered.

"Don't worry, we won't actually buy any of this," said Mace.

Tooty was rambling on and on about the clothes and then held up a lightsaber.

"Now. I have had many workers finding and experimenting with different crystals and we have found some SUPER results," said Tooty. He ignited the lightsaber. It was some kind of extremely bright green-orange color with a brightness that seemed to rival the sun.

"OH GOD! TURN THAT THING OFF! MY EYES ARE BURNING!" yelled Mace.

Several other Jedi were screaming to turn it off.

"AAAAAA! I CAN'T SEE!"

"IT'S BURNING A HOLE IN MY SHIRT!"

"MY HEAD! YOU GAVE ME A FREAKIN' MIGRANE!"

"FIRE! THERE'S A FIRE ON THE FLOOR!"

One Jedi leapt off his chair and jumped out the window. Another covered her eyes and smothered the flame. Needless to say, Tooty was dismissed and the crystals were carefully disposed of and destroyed.

Anakin was leaving the temple when a stranger in a suit approached him.

"Anakin Skywalker, nice to meet you. I'm Vern Nelson. I'm an agent," Vern shook Anakin's hand and gave him a card.

"Nice to meet you," Anakin said.

"Listen, I've never even come close to this place, never represented a Jedi, never even thought about it. Until you," said Vern, pointing to Anakin.

"Why?"

"Are you kidding? You've revolutionized the Jedi Order! You've completely revamped the image of this place!"

"What exactly do you mean?"

"You got married, had kids, and you've shown there's no harm in that! Look at some of the other Jedi, they date, they get married, they step outside the box because of you. Thanks to you, the Jedi are more badass then ever," said Vern, pointing to him again.

"So, if you represent me, how exactly does it benefit me?" asked Anakin.

"More like how DOESN'T it benefit you," replied Vern, "Did you know a league of lightsaber duelists is forming? Did you know you could form a team of your own?" Vern asked.

"I could consider that," replied Anakin.

"Good. You just give me a call back when you want to sign the papers," said Vern, "We're all about dignity at my agency, Mr. Skywalker. I think you'll see that our company's prestige far exceeds everyone else."

As Vern walked away, a wind gust took off his toupee and flung it in the opposite direction. He chased after it and ran into a pole, falling unconscious on the ground.

……………………………………

"He has your dad's nose," said Han, looking at Kellen lying in his cradle.

"He has Mom's eyes, though," said Leia.

"Leia, if you liked somebody, I mean really liked them, would you tell them?" said Han.

Leia blushed. Han wasn't looking at her, he had his head down and was slowly shuffling his shoe on the carpet.

"You like me?" asked Leia.

"Isn't it obvious?" said Han, now looking at her.

Han noticed Leia's face had gotten slightly closer to him. She nearly kissed him on the cheek but Kellen sent a projectile of vomit directly at Han's shirt.

"Augh! Gross!" Han exclaimed, backing away from the now satisfied baby.

………………………………….

Ugh. Mushy at the end there. Are Han and Leia ever going to kiss? I don't even know. By the way, school just started, so chapters are going to take some time to be posted. Also, with football season coming up, I go to Chiefs games a lot and it's a 4-hour trip that takes most of the weekend. I'll try to update at least once a week.

GO CHIEFS!


	28. Padme's Cousin

Chapter 28

Anakin walked in the door of their Naboo house after the meeting.

"Padme, I got this card from an agent-" Anakin was interrupted.

"No time! My cousin's getting married! We have to pack and get over there!" said Padme, frantically.

"Get over there? When is she getting married?" asked Anakin, confused.

"In two days! Remember? We got the invitation a while back and she asked our family to stay over there for a couple of days before the wedding! I damn near forgot about it!" yelled Padme, throwing clothes into a suitcase while holding Kellen.

"Alright, I'll go pack and-"

"I already packed for you," said Padme, throwing him a suitcase.

"When are we leaving?" asked Anakin.

"WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE NOW!" yelled Padme, making Kellen cry, "KIDS! WE'RE LEAVING!"

Luke and Leia frantically ran down the stairs with bags in their hands. Luke tripped over the last three steps and tumbled into the couch. Leia hurdled over him and ran outside.

"Luke! There's no time for this," exclaimed Padme, scooping Luke off the ground and giving him a friendly shove towards the door.

Obi Wan and Yoda were already outside and ready to go.

"What about Artoo and Threepio?" asked Anakin.

"I told them to watch the house. GET IN THE SHIP AND DRIVE!" yelled Padme.

Anakin jumped in "Dukes of Hazzard" style and took off.

"Leia, you're a flower girl and they have your dress there," said Padme.

"What? What's that?" asked Leia.

"You walk down the aisle and throw flowers out of a basket," explained Padme.

"That sounds pointless," said Leia, folding her arms.

"It is. But you were asked to do it and you're going to do it," replied Padme.

"You what's funny? My toe right next to my big toe is actually longer than my big toe," Obi Wan said randomly.

Anakin took a cup out of the cup holder and threw it at Obi Wan's head.

………………………………………

Anakin's ship landed on the other side of Naboo in front of the mansion Padme's cousin, Padma, resided in.

"Padme!" yelled Padma, rushing outside to greet her.

"Anakin, remember, don't tell dirty jokes, keep Yoda under control, and don't look at her chest," said Padme, tilting Anakin's head back up. She explained all this while Padma was still walking towards them.

"What's her name?" asked Anakin.

"Padma."

Anakin gave Padme a weird look.

"It's so good to see you! Where are the kids?" asked Padma, giving Padme a hug.

"They're by the ship. And this guy I'm holding is Kellen," said Padme, holding up Kellen.

Luke dropped one of Leia's bags on purpose and Leia punched him in the stomach.

"For God's sake," said Anakin, walking over to the ship.

Obi Wan walked up to Padma, "My name's Obi Wan. And you must be boobs – PADMA," Obi Wan quickly corrected himself. Padma shook his hand and abruptly let go.

As Yoda started walking towards them, Padme turned Padma around and quickly walked inside the mansion.

"My, she is quite the catch," said Obi Wan to himself.

…………………………………

"Okay, Obi Wan and Yoda, you can share this room here," said Padma, opening the door.

"TOP BUNK!" yelled Yoda. He ran over to a bed and jumped straight out the window, as there was no bunk bed.


	29. Fish or Chicken?

_**A Star Wars Sitcom is brought to you by EA Sports Madden Football 2006. "We may get the uniforms wrong, but how 'bout that Superstar Mode?"**_

Chapter 29

"Yoda, are you ready for the rehearsal dinner?" Obi Wan asked, tying his tie.

Yoda walked out of the bathroom with a toddler – sized suit on.

"Oh that's cute. You look like a little person," said Obi Wan.

Yoda glared at him and walked out the door.

………………………………………………

At the dinner, Obi Wan ran the show at his table.

"So Grievous says, "I was trained by Count Dooku," and I say, "Oh! Did he have four arms too?"

The table howled in alcohol influenced laughter. Anakin rolled his eyes at his former master's sense of humor.

Yoda was at the bar yelling at an innocent, clueless man.

"NO, WOODY! I **CAN** FLY! I'm not gonna take th– " Yoda fell off the bar stool and passed out on the floor.

Padme dragged Anakin to meet Padma's soon-to-be husband. Anakin shook his hand.

"Anakin Skywalker," Anakin introduced himself.

"My name's Patch. Patch Beloughterbidentuncurtenshill."

………………………………………………………………………….

_**Closed Captioning for A Star Wars Sitcom is sponsored in part by…**_

…………………………………………………………………………__

Very, very drunk, Obi Wan stood up to make a toast before the meal started.

"Ahem. Is this thing on? Testing," Obi Wan said, tapping his wine glass, "Okay. Folks, love is a beautiful thing ing ing. He he he. Innnnnnnnnnngggg. Oh! Um, anyway, love is wonderful. Even if your best friend drives your love away by running outside in his underwe-BURRRRRRRP!"

The crowd stared in shock.

"Wow. Excuse me. Let me wrap this up. As we join in witnessing the joining of Ms. Armandaleg and Mr. Belchalotatchickencream, we can't help but…. Um, we can't help but wonder, that, uh," Obi Wan paused and thought of a way to end his pointless speech, "RUDY! RUDY! RU-" someone chucked a plate at Obi Wan, effectively ending his speech.

………………………………………………………..

"Owwwww. Leia, I think that food gave me a stomach ache," Luke groaned.

"Luke, go to sleep. I ate the chicken and I feel fine," replied Leia, lying in the other bed.

"I ate the shrimp. I think there was something wrong with them," said Luke, holding his stomach, "Oh God!" Luke ran to the bathroom and threw up.

"Wow. I'm glad I ate the chicken," said Leia.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Luke from the bathroom.

"Uh oh. Luke? Who else ate the shrimp?" asked Leia.

"Everybody but you, it looked like," Luke replied, "Ooooooohhhh. Crap."

………………………………………………………..

Sorry for the sorta short chapter. School, homework, all that crap. Hey, about two weeks and I'll be at Arrowhead Stadium for the first game of the season.


	30. The Towering Inferno

Chapter 30

"Anakin! Hurry up, we have to get down there!" yelled Padme, holding Kellen.

"Padme, I got two hours of sleep, I haven't stopped puking, and this tux is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever worn," Anakin replied.

"Just get ready and we'll get this over with," said Padme.

………………………………………….

The guests took their seats, most pale and with high temperatures. The ceremony started as the music began and the bride, Padma, started down the aisle. Obi Wan felt miserable and was trying to think of a way out. Leia reluctantly walked slowly, throwing flowers behind her in a half-assed manner.

The music stopped and the bride and groom faced each other. The priest began.

"Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to witness the joining of Padma and Patch. I will not say the last names at the risk of sounding like an idiot, but-" the priest was interrupted by three people getting up and running to the bathroom.

Luke tugged Padme's arm, "Mom, I don't feel good. I wanna go home," he said.

"It's okay Luke. This will be over sooner than you think," replied Padme.

"And now, the couple have written their own vows-" the crowd groaned in protest.

Padma cleared her throat and started, "Patch, for my vows, I have written one great thing about you for every letter of your last name," five people got up and left, two puked, and the rest again groaned in protest.

………………………………………..

Anakin got on the highway, feeling much better after the wedding was over. Obi Wan was dominating the conversation in the ship.

"…and of course everyone thought I ate the last biscuit when CLEARLY it was that jerk, Monty Feltmenn. Ass. Anyway, it turns out-"

"OBI WAN! I lost you five minutes into your story! We're almost home so you can BE QUIET FOR 5-"

"Anakin, breathe. Take that exit and we'll be home in no time," said Padme, calming him down.

Anakin swerved into his exit and flew towards Naboo. In about five minutes their house should have been in sight, but they saw something unexpected.

"OH MY GOD!" Anakin yelled.

Their house was in flames, fire trucks sped towards the fire and Rick and Han saved whatever they could from the house. Anakin landed and the kids ran out of the ship.

"RICK! YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" yelled Obi Wan.

"NO YOU IDIOT! THAT'S OUR HOUSE!" Anakin shouted back.

Yoda ripped off his robe and curled up in the fetal position, crying on the ground.

"RICK! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?" Anakin yelled.

………………………………………………….

Guys, I am sorry took so long. But it's finished.

CHIEFS CHIEFS CHIEFS CHIEFS CHIEFS CHIEFS!


	31. A New Home

_Previously, on a Star Wars Sitcom…_

Wedding, fire, Rick's fault

And now, Chapter 31

"Anakin, before you kick my ass, I want to explain myself," said Rick foolishly; not knowing Anakin didn't know it was his fault.

"THIS WAS YOU?" Anakin exclaimed, pointing at the house.

"Oh God! I'm sorry! I went inside to see if maybe you had some Coors in the fridge and that Artoo thought I was a burglar and snuck up on me and tasered me in the back! I jumped and screamed then dropped my cigarette on what was apparently Artoo's oil spill that you need to fix and, well, the rest kind of explains itself," said Rick, catching his breath.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" yelled Anakin, advancing towards Rick.

"ANAKIN! NO!" Obi Wan stretched out his arm and stopped him, "I'll do it."

Padme dashed in front of them both and stopped an ugly situation.

By now, Yoda had dug a small hole and crawled inside, half naked and sobbing uncontrollably.

…………………………………………………….

The Skywalker family stood outside the Jedi Temple of Naboo, their new home.

"Dad? How does all this work?" asked Luke.

"Well, as a Jedi master, there's always an option to live here in the temple. There should be enough room," replied Anakin, hauling suitcases of what was left of the fire out of the ship.

"Blub blu bababa," Kellen mumbled trying to form words.

"Yes Kellen, bababa. Obi Wan, hold him for a second," said Padme, helping Anakin with the bags.

"Awww. He's trying to talk. Can you say "Obi Wan"? Obiiii Wannnnn?"

"B… Ben," said Kellen.

"What? That's not even - wait, that's not that bad," said Obi Wan.

………………………………………………..

While Anakin was sorting out financial problems, Obi Wan and Yoda were keeping themselves busy at the kitchen table.

"I like the idea of Chunky Monkey, but the taste did not impress me. Hand me Cherry Garcia," Obi Wan opened the small carton of ice cream and put a spoonful in Kellen's mouth first. Kellen swallowed the ice cream and clapped his hands.

"Kellen likes it. Give it here," said Yoda, taking a spoonful himself, "Hmmm. I find it's taste to be a bit tart."

"Well me and Kellen like it so we're putting it on the list," said Obi Wan.

"That's not fair! I liked the Half Baked ice cream and we can't-"

"SHUT UP! YOU'RE BOTH INSANE! THE KID LIKES EVERY KIND OF FOOD YOU PUT IN HIS MOUTH! HE ATE A DUST BUNNY ON THE WAY HERE!" yelled Anakin.

Obi Wan and Yoda stared for a minute, silent.

"Well, Anakin, for your information, we value Kellen's opinion. Something as important as deciding which ice cream to restock needs to be handled intelligently," said Obi Wan.

Kellen reached over to a carton of ice cream and helped himself. Anakin got out of his chair and took the carton away.

"Stop feeding him ice cream! He's going to end up unhealthy and out of shape," said Anakin, giving a look to Obi Wan.

"Just what are you implying?" asked Obi Wan, his belly sticking out of his sweat pants.

………………………………………………….

Meanwhile, Anakin's unofficial agent, Vern Nelson, arrived at what was left of the Skywalker home. Shocked, he walked over to the neighbors to gain some knowledge. He knocked and Rick answered the door.

"Excuse me, I'm Vern Nelson. What happened here?"

"Oh that? I, uh, burned his house down," said Rick, casually.

Vern stared at him blankly.

"It's a long story, but anyway, they moved down to the Jedi temple over by the pizza place," said Rick.

"Lazziolies or Pop's Pizza-a-Plenty Palace?"

"The second one," Rick answered.

"Okay, thank you," Vern started to walk away, but felt his bald head and turned around.

"Yeah, it blew away when you got here, I just didn't say anything," said Rick, pointing to what looked like a flying squirrel.

"SON OF A FINCH!" yelled Vern, chasing his hairpiece.

…………………………………………………..

Gotta love a pointless conversation to end a chapter. You guys didn't really think the story would stop there? This story has a long way to go. Just to let you know, it will end with me pulling a "Boy Meets World", having the kids grow up and finally end with a peek into their futures as adults. Honestly, after that, there's no story to tell. So until that time, enjoy this sitcom.


	32. Football Americana

Chapter 32

Obi Wan sat on the couch, flipping through channels on the TV. The TV flickered and tracking covered the screen.

"You piece of crap!" Obi Wan threw his full carton of ice cream at the TV. The tracking cleared and something unfamiliar came up on the screen.

"That will be a first down and the Jaguars will advance. You have to wonder if Denver's defense can stay consistent," said a voice.

"What's all this?" asked Obi Wan, becoming more interested.

Yoda walked in, confused by the content on the television.

"Yoda! This show appears to be super humans with large shoulders hitting each other!" said Obi Wan, not taking his eyes off the TV.

"Hmmm. That, well, I guess it's a ball, seems to be a very large concern," Yoda observed.

"What's a Jaguar?" Obi Wan questioned.

After about an hour, the two started to put it together. Obi Wan took notes and Yoda made more observations.

"Okay, the team without the ball tries to jump on the guy with the ball."

"Yes that seems to be the point."

The two had their eyes glued to the TV.

…………………………………………………………………

Anakin was at the grocery store with his entire family. He pushed the cart down the cereal aisle where Luke seemed to be throwing every other box into the cart.

Anakin picked up one box and read, "Hyper-O's? That's a little to literal for me, bud," Anakin told Luke, putting the box back.

"What about "Sugar Highs"?" asked Luke.

Anakin force-pushed the box back to its shelf. Padme threw more cosmetic products into the cart.

"Wow, is it me or are you buying more than usual?" asked Anakin.

"Well, it's easier to shop when Yoda and Obi Wan aren't throwing raw meat at each other. Plus we don't have to keep Yoda from wandering into the adult section of the video rental place," Padme cringed at the thought.

……………………………………………………………

The coffee table was now covered in soda, crumbs, and nacho cheese. Obi Wan was asleep with one hand in a bag of Cheetos, Yoda had his head flat on the table with a half-eaten carton of Ben and Jerry's Ice cream. Anakin walked in with groceries in hand, shocked by the mess the two had managed to make in only 30 minutes.

"What the hell is all this!" Anakin exclaimed, waking the two.

"Huh? Wuh?" Obi Wan sprung to attention, spilling half a can of Mountain Dew. Yoda just groaned.

Padme walked in and passed out. It was either the smell, or the mess. Luke entered, blacked out, and fainted.

"Wimp," said Leia, stepping over her brother with two grocery bags.

"Anakin, Yoda and I have discovered a brilliant program! We call it, "Broncos and Jaguars"!" exclaimed, pointing to the TV.

"Obi Wan, put on a shirt, clean up this mess, and for God's sake buy some bigger sweat pants," said Anakin, trying to shield his eyes.

"Fine! But some day people will-"

"SHIRT CLEAN PANTS!" yelled Anakin.

………………………………………………

Flashback: Vern the agent is leaving what's left of the old Skywalker home after gaining information from Rick on where to find his client. Vern turned around and saw that his speeder had vanished.

NOTE: All of Vern's cursing has been censored and voiced over with a word that is meant to sound similar. The network thanks you for tolerating this crap.

"Oh gosh darn it all! Some flashtard stole my speeder! What kind of ignorant Chumbass would steal a speeder?" Vern mumbled as he began an exciting adventure to find his promising new client. There will be laughs, tears, whimsy, and possibly a rabid, bipolar moose. Good luck, Vern.

……………………………………………

Okay, another chapter in the books. Enjoy it because I'm off to Kansas City to watch the Chiefs beat the piss out of Washington.


	33. UnCommentators

Chapter 33

Luke and Leia walked in the door after school. Luke dropped his bag on the ground and plopped down on the couch. He didn't know his bag was open as a piece of paper slid out onto the floor.

"Hey kids," said Anakin, thumbing through the mail. He tripped over Luke's bag sitting in the middle of the room.

"Luke! I've told you a million times, don't-" Anakin stopped and picked up the paper. It was a form for football tryouts at the school. Football on Naboo was actually a product of flag football and rugby. A round ball, and a process of tackling that included penetrating one of the harmless laser beams attached to a belt. It is also identical to aerial football in which the ball can be thrown forward from any spot on the field.

"Luke, you're gonna play football? Great!" said Anakin, excited.

"No, I don't think so. I don't wanna play," said Luke listlessly.

Anakin frowned and looked at the Hello Kitty keychain attached to Luke's bag. "Oh, you're playing. You'll, uh, gain confidence and character, and, uh, testosterone," Anakin mumbled.

"Oh dammit!" yelled Luke.

"That's the spirit," said Anakin, filling out the form.

"Nice, dad. Why don't you also sign up Yoda and Obi Wan for commentator try outs so I can be even more humiliated," said Luke.

Obi Wan just walked in and heard the comment. His eyes lit up and he screamed while hopping up and down.

"The flyer says be there at 8 in the morning ready to perform," Anakin told Obi Wan.

"OHMYGODTHAT'SSOCOOLIHOPEIGETITMEANDYODANEEDTOGETREADYHECANBETHECOLORCOMMENTATORANDICANDOPLAY-BY-PLAYANDWECAN-"

"OBI WAN! Settle down," said Anakin, wrapping a pill in a slice of cheese and giving it to Obi Wan.

Obi Wan ate the cheese and passed out on the floor.

"Dad, I think that's Yoda's medicine," said Luke.

"Hm. Just as well," Anakin stepped over Obi Wan and headed to his room.

……………………………………………………………..

Obi Wan and Yoda were getting dressed for the big try out. Obi Wan had bought matching light blue suits for the two.

"Whoops, Yoda there's a sticker on your suit from where I bought it," Obi Wan took off the "Baby Gap" sticker and threw it away.

Luke walked by in a t-shirt and sports shorts.

"Luke! You need to wear the jersey I got you for your tryouts today! It's good luck," said Obi Wan, throwing Luke a blue jersey.

"What's a "Manning"?" asked Luke, reading the back.

"He is the thrower for the, uh, the… wait a second. I wanna say "Bolts," said Obi Wan, thinking.

"Jolts? Molts? Colts?" asked Yoda.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's bolts," said Obi Wan, nodding his head.

"Whatever," said Luke, throwing the jersey over his head.

……………………………………………………………………….

Luke met up with Han at the tryouts. The tryouts were separated by planets' teams. An instructor stood in the front of the separate corridors.

"Naboo Navigators, over here!" yelled the instructor, looking at Luke and Han.

"Luke! Luke, over here!" yelled a familiar voice. Luke turned and saw Mara sitting in the stands. He rushed over to see her.

"Mara! You came to watch?" asked Luke.

"My dad's a judge for the Naboo commentators so I tagged along when I heard you were trying out," Mara explained.

"Hey, tryouts don't start for a half hour, you wanna look around?" asked Han.

"Sure," the two said.

The three walked from field to field checking out the other teams participating. Han knew everything since his dad was an enthusiast over the sport.

"That's the Tatooine Sand Bandits, they're not very good. Oh! And there's the Dantooine Kings, they're pretty good. We don't want to mess with the Corosaunt Crusaders, they're insane," explained Han.

…………………………………………………………

Obi Wan and Yoda walked our of the tryouts triumphant. They won the announcing job in a very close battle with Mace Windu, who later agreed to be the sideline reporter for the Naboo crew.

"Here, Mace, have an official Naboo Navigators hat. You have to love those perks," said Obi Wan. The blue and gold hat had a logo with a compass and an "N" incorporated into it.

"You should know I'm not used to losing," said Mace, putting on his hat.

"You didn't lose. You made a compromise," explained Yoda.

"Oh come on. We kicked your ass, man! I mean, you came in all confident and strutting around like you owned the place and we just beat you into the-" Obi Wan smacked his face right into a metal pole and fell to the ground.

……………………………………………………………

Vern found his way to the highway and tried to hitch a ride. The rain poured and showed no signs of stopping. Finally, an elderly women pulled over and Vern jumped into the speeder.

"Thank you! You don't know how long I've been waiting in that gosh darn rain," said Vern, shivering.

"Well that's what's wrong with people today. They never stop to help anyone else. ALWAYS thinking about themselves, they are," the women talked for hours without Vern getting a word in.

"…and that's when I told him he can't just make these decisions without thinking! It's too important, you have to think it through…"

"…and this guy was trouble, let me tell you. He had a, well now what do you call it? A gangster rag, I think. Anyway, piercing all over and tattoos, oh, and pants hanging too far down for THESE eyes…"

"...after that I decided no more Long John Silvers…"

Vern was pushed to his limits and jumped out of the speeder, rolling into the woods and scratching his arm.

"Aw dandruff, some of it itches!" yelled Vern.

………………………………………………………….

Anyone figure out what Vern is really saying?

Anyway, I'm in KC right now typing this in the back of a van, I'll upload it in the hotel. Longest chapter so far? I think it is.


	34. A Thanksgiving Story

Chapter 34

The Skywalker family sat at the dinner table, anxiously awaiting their Thanksgiving feast.

"Hey Dad? Can you tell us the story about how you destroyed the Sith and brought balance to the Force?" asked Luke, casually.

Anakin took a deep breath and began, "Okay. It was about 9 years ago…

_FLASHBACK!_

Palpatine's doors flew open as Mace and three other Jedi stood in the doorway.

"Alright, you smug bastard, you're under arrest by order of the Jedi, uh, Order," said Mace, igniting his lightsaber.

"Pleasant evening, isn't it Master Windu?" Palpatine said listlessly.

"What? Just, stop being weird! You're under arrest!"

"You're lucky, you know. I've never shown my true side to you. Why, I would go as far as to say I've been… pleasant to you," Palpatine replied, taking a sip out of a goblet.

"What in the hell are you talking about? Forget it, let's kill him!"

"I wouldn't try it. I've been known to be quite… hostile," said Palpatine turning to face them.

Palpatine's face started to turn pale. His face was breaking out in scars and marks. His eyes turned white and he ignited his lightsaber as his Sith side finally took over.

"Fisto, you take his right, I'll-" Mace stopped and noticed that the others were racing down the hallway in the opposite direction.

"HEY! WE SHOOK ON THIS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU GUYS SUCK!" yelled Mace, facing the very scary Sith lord by himself.

Mace took the first swing and was blocked by Palpatine. The two began an epic battle

…………………………………………………….

Anakin paced nervously around his room, debating whether he should rush to Palpatine's office or stay and worry. Suddenly, the door opened. Obi Wan walked in grinning.

"Obi Wan? Back already?" asked Anakin with a bit of a shaky voice.

"Yes. Here, watch this," said Obi Wan, turning on the TV.

A man walked up to a podium to address the people in the conference room. He approached the microphone and spoke.

"Ladies and Gentlemen…We got him!"

Footage showed General Grievous getting pulled out of a hole, his mask cracked with a beard showing through it.

"Wait! Windu is in trouble, he's text-messaging me," said Obi Wan, looking at his cell phone.

Anakin read it, "NEED HELP! PINNED IN CORNER! Also, I forgot the chips for the New Years party so if you could maybe pick up some Pringles that would be nice."

Obi Wan and Anakin rushed to his assistance. They crashed through the door and activated their lightsabers.

"Palpatine! You are under arrest!" yelled Obi Wan.

Palpatine laughed and force-threw a chair towards Obi Wan. It hit him square in the head and knocked more than a few screws loose. Obi Wan fell over, leaving Palpatine to Mace and Anakin.

Mace took the opportunity to get up off the floor when Palpatine hurled a chair at Obi Wan.

"You realize you have no chance. I will destroy you both," said Palpatine.

"I don't think so," said Samuel L. Jackson.

……………………………………………………………….

EXIT FLASHBACK!

"Anakin, I honestly don't remember a chair hitting me," said Obi Wan, scooping some cream corn onto his plate.

"Yeah, okay. Anyway, let me continue…"

……………………………………………………………..

FLASHBACK AGAIN!

A battle erupted inside Palpatine's office. Flashes of red, blue, and purple gave seizure-inducing anime a run for its money.

Palpatine elbowed Mace in the head and the Jedi Master was down. Palpatine and Anakin circled the room, staring each other down.

"Anakin, perhaps you need to mull this over. I know how to protect your wife. Together we can save her. Don't be afraid of the dark side. It's only a slight change from the Jedi. It's like eating a hamburger instead of a hot dog at a barbeque. Sure you may want to do the right thing and eat the burger, but doesn't that hot dog look delicious with chili, relish, ketchup, mustard-" Anakin hurled his lightsaber at Palpatine's chest javelin style. The Sith lord fell to the floor.

Obi Wan finally came to. He looked up at Anakin, then the Sith lord. "Anakin, did you put the cottage cheese back in the fridge after you had some? 'Cause I don't want it to spoil."

Anakin gave Obi Wan a ride back home. He approached Master Yoda and explained what had happened to the Sith lord and confused Obi Wan.

"Hm. Commended you will be for your bravery and your fulfilling of the prophecy. Owe me a great deal of money, Master Windu does," said Yoda, stroking his chin.

"Can Obi Wan be helped? He took quite a hit and I'm afraid the damage might be permanent," said Anakin.

"Live with you and him I will. Train him back to full strength I can," replied Yoda.

"HEADS!" a voice yelled. Yoda looked up in time to see a Frisbee smack him square in the forehead.

………………………………………………………….

"Yep, that's pretty much it," said Anakin, taking another bite of turkey.

"It sure does explain a lot," said Luke, watching Yoda shove his face straight into the cranberries on his plate.

"I guess we really do have a lot to be thankful for," said Leia,

"Yeah, thanks to our family, health, whatever. Do we have our Christmas lists ready to go?" asked Obi Wan.

"We should start shopping tomorrow," said Padme.

"Tomorrow? I'm going after I finish this pie," said Obi Wan with his mouth full.

"It is good pie," said Han, sitting by Leia.

Anakin spit his water out and his eyes widened, "When the hell did you get here?" he asked Han.

………………………………………………………..

Done with the Thanksgiving special. Hope you all enjoyed reading about how it all came to be. There will of course be a Christmas special later on. I finally did that Toys for Tots thing we have at the mall and bought a 7-year-old some Star Wars toys. How could I pass that up?


	35. Have Yourself a Merry Little Rampage

Chapter 35

"Remember, students, this project requires great concentration. You must clear your mind. Erase all distractions. Focus all your energy on this single task and you will be successful, but only with a gentle touch and careful concentration."

"Ms. Secura, I have one more snowflake to go but I'm out of glue," said Luke, raising his hand.

"Top drawer, Luke," she replied.

………………………………………………………..

Obi Wan and Yoda walked through the mall, bags and boxes in hand. While passing the electronics store, Yoda stopped and stared into the window.

"Yoda? What are you-" Obi Wan realized a horrifying truth.

"The machine," said Yoda. He stared in at the new Karaoke machine on display.

"NO! YODA, NO!" yelled Obi Wan, pulling on Yoda's ankles as the green Jedi gripped the edges of the window, holding on for dear life.

"I MUST HAVE IT! LET GO YOU FOOL!" Yoda exclaimed. Six security guards rushed to the scene. Yoda refused to let go. He concentrated all his energy on the window and shattered it, then jumped through and held on to his karaoke machine.

"Sir, I need you to let go, and step away," said one guard. Yoda growled and held on tighter.

"STAY BACK! BACK I SAY!" yelled Yoda as he swung his active lightsaber blindly at the crowd.

………………………………………………………

Padme turned on the radio, playing Christmas music all day, and continued cooking dinner. Anakin walked in hiding something behind his back.

"Ahem," Anakin coughed and Padme turned around to see mistletoe hanging over her head.

"Augh, you always get me with that damn thing," said Padme.

"No, you have to kiss me. It's the rules," Anakin said, shaking the mistletoe. He stopped when he heard something alarming on the TV.

"We interrupt Chiefs/Giants: How NOT to Tackle, for this bulletin. A strange, green creature is refusing to let go of a karaoke machine he didn't pay for. He is making his way through the city, destroying everything in his path. We urge all residences to stay indoors," the reporter explained.

"Oh my GOD!" Anakin yelled, rushing to the door.

Ten minutes later, Luke and Leia arrived back from school.

"Mom, dad, we're home!" Leia shouted.

"PRESENTS!" yelled Luke, running to the tree.

"Your dad went to stop Yoda's rampage, he should be back for dinner. Luke, stop shaking that," said Padme. Luke put his present down.

"Wait, Yoda's on another rampage? Are we talking expired coupon rampage or leaving the lettuce and tomato on the taco rampage?" asked Leia.

"More like no more stuffing on Thanksgiving rampage," said Padme.

……………………………………………………………..

Anakin rushed to the scene and looked for Yoda.

"Where is he?" Anakin asked a security guard. The guard pointed to a tall building nearby. Yoda was climbing it while cradling the karaoke machine in his arm.

"Where have I seen this before?" Anakin asked himself.

"Sir, are you a pilot? We really need some help here," a guard asked Anakin.

"Get me a ship," said Anakin.

……………………………………………………………

Han walked into the Skywalker home with a puppy walking beside him.

"Han, you got a dog!" Luke shouted.

"Yup, mom and dad tried to keep a secret until Christmas, but this guy's a yappy fella," said Han, petting the Jack Russell Terrier.

"What did you name him?" asked Leia.

Han didn't answer. "Is that Yoda?" he asked, pointing to the TV.

"Whoa! He just took out that ship!" Luke said, in shock.

………………………………………………………………..

At the scene of the rampage, Yoda was jumping at incredible heights and swatting jets with his lightsaber, roaring in rage.

Anakin closed in on him, but he didn't shoot, he landed on the top of the building and got out.

"Yoda, I need you to listen to me," said Anakin, slowly walking towards him.

"Get away! The machine is mine! I AM KONG!" yelled Yoda.

"You what? Oh, that's where I've seen this before. Hm, funny. Anyway, listen, come back home with me, we'll see the family, and we'll have a merry-" Anakin force threw the machine into Yoda's head, catching him off guard. Anakin threw Yoda over his shoulder and put him in the back seat of the ship.

He took off and threw the machine out the window with an unconscious Yoda in the back. Anakin looked back at him and smiled.

"Merry Christmas you crazy bastard."

……………………………………………………………

Christmas Eve night; Luke, Leia, and Kellen shared the couch with Han, and Obi Wan was laying across the love seat asleep, a bag of Cheetos resting on his chest. Yoda was lying on the floor in front of the fire with Han's dog, Chewy. Anakin finished reading "The Night Before Christmas" and closed the book. He sighed and looked around.

"Han?" Anakin asked.

"What?" said Han, rubbing his eyes.

"Get the hell out of here."

………………………………………………………….

Happy Holidays, everybody. Sorry, no karaoke machine for Yoda, it's just not meant to be.


	36. The Little Green Fugitive

Chapter 36

Anakin walked in the apartment noticing Obi Wan was laying on the couch watching TV.

"Obi Wan, for crying out loud, you still haven't changed your clothes?" Anakin shouted.

"What? It was a wild party, let me relax please," Obi Wan replied, changing the channel.

"New Years was 2 WEEKS AGO! Take a shower and shave!" Anakin commanded.

"Eh," Obi Wan said lazily, waving Anakin away.

Anakin became angry, but was distracted by the sound of a can opening. He turned and saw Han sipping a Mountain Dew.

"I prefer Dr. Pepper, but this stuff ranks right up there with the top dogs," said Han, examining the can.

"Han! How did you even get in here?" Anakin asked, startled.

"Mom says Chewy and me have to stay here while dad has his gun club, poker, AA, Anger management, Sasquatch searchers, ghost hunters, Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band, and Ron Howard fan club meetings at our house," said Han.

"Don't you have school?" asked Anakin.

Han just shrugged and took a drink of his Mountain Dew.

The phone rang and Anakin answered. Padme was on the other end.

"Okay...Yeah...alright, bye," said Anakin, hanging up the phone, "Okay, Padme is taking Leia shopping, Luke is at football practice and Yoda," Anakin paused, "Where is Yoda?"

"Well, it's Friday. He's either at Best Buy, Pizza Hut, The Movie Theater, or the Gentlemen's club," said Obi Wan, counting off on his fingers.

"The WHAT?" Anakin shouted.

"Never mind. Forget I said anything. He's probably not even at, uh, that place," Obi Wan said.

There was a knock at the door.

"That's probably him," said Anakin. He opened the door and was a bit startled at what he saw. It was Vern, but his clothes were tattered and torn, he hadn't shaved in weeks.

"So tired… hungry…. Moose," Vern panted, then fell flat on the floor.

"Ew. He's all dirty. Padme isn't going to be happy with all that dirt on the carpet," said Obi Wan, still focusing on the TV.

Anakin helped Vern up and directed him to the shower.

"I, I'm really hungry," said Vern, being forced into the bathroom

"Shower first, then food," Anakin quickly replied, slamming the bathroom door.

……………………………………………………….

"Luke! It's a fly route! FLY!" screamed Luke's obese coach, pointing to the playbook.

"Sorry sir," said Luke, jogging back to the huddle.

Before he reached the huddle, Luke saw something familiar in the bushes outside the field. Something small and green was motioning for him to come back there.

"Uh, coach, can I get a drink of water?" asked Luke.

"Make it quick."

Luke ran to the bushes and saw Yoda, panic-stricken and shaking.

"Yoda, what's wrong?" asked Luke, trying to calm him down.

"I did something bad. REALLY BAD!" Yoda accidentally raised his voice.

"Settle down, okay? Tell me what you did," said Luke. Yoda stood on his tiptoes and whispered in Luke's ear for about two minutes. When Yoda was finished, Luke stood startled and flabbergasted.

"Wha- What were baby rabbits for?" asked Luke.

"I don't know! I was drunk, I'm just telling you what someone told me I did the other night!" Yoda explained.

"Okay, let's focus here. Was anyone killed?" asked Luke.

"I…DON'T… KNOW!" Yoda exclaimed in horror, breaking down in tears.

…………………………………………..

Vern sat on the couch next to Obi Wan. Anakin heated up some leftovers and gave them to Vern. Obi Wan looked at Vern's plate, then looked at Anakin and whined like a puppy.

"That could be the most pathetic thing I've ever seen," said Anakin, shaking his head, "Now, Vern, are all these offers you were telling me about six months ago still on the table?"

"I doubt it, but I've had no contact with the outside world," said Vern, scooping food into his mouth.

There was a knock at the door and Anakin answered to see two cops standing in the doorway.

"Mr. Skywalker?" the cop addressed him.

"Yes, that's me."

"We need to have a talk about a resident of the household who may be in some trouble," said the other officer.

"Is this about Yoda? Because we still don't know where he is," said Anakin.

"Well, we're pretty sure we know where he was and what he was doing, more than likely under the influence of alcohol, but we really don't want to repeat it again, with it being so terrible," said the cop.

"Tell me what he did," said Anakin, staring down the cop.

The cop sighed and began, "According to our sources, Yoda…"

……………………………………………

Okay, I know it's been forever and a day since I updated, but I'll have to leave you hanging here. I'm going to be in Orlando, Florida for the next week, so when I get back hopefully I'll have some reviews from you guys.


	37. Yoda's Great attempt to Escape

Chapter 37

"Mr. Skywalker, I'm afraid Yoda…"

…………………………………..

"Stop, stop, stop! Quit reading the script!"

"Why?"

"It's disgusting! I'm reading ahead here and I think I was less disturbed watching _Saw 2_!"

"Hey, we're just reading what he wrote. Is it really that bad?"

"We can't air this! The FCC will be on me so quick it'll make my head spin."

"Well we can't take it out completely. How about we edit it? You know, show little splices of the cop explaining what happened."

"Brilliant! Funny without having to raise the rating of the story! Johnson! Start editing!"

……………………………

_Exit script reading_

……………………………

"It all started after the brawl in the pool lounge. The cops were called after he knocked a man out with an 8 ball…"

"…he started running down 4th Avenue, of course he still had the women's wig and it was still on fire…."

"…and that caused a 7-car pileup on the highway. No surprise, I mean he hit that gas truck going at least 90 miles an hour…"

"…supposedly he only **threatened **the baby rabbits, but we're still not clear on that…"

"…surprisingly, the blind guy did get out safely…"

"…COMPLETLEY demolished the U2 concert…"

"…bit my nose…."

"…apparently he was armed when Harrison approached him…"

"…28 of us went in to stop him, 6 of us came out…"

"…naked, completely naked…"

"As of now, we have no idea where he is," the cop finished.

Anakin stood and stared in disbelief, "I'm going to kill him. There's no other way."

"Anakin! That's crazy!" yelled Obi Wan, "We have to FIND him first. Weren't you listening?"

"I have to go pick Luke up from practice. When I come back, we'll sort this out," said Anakin, heading out the door.

……………………………..

Yoda was panicked. He darted behind bushes and trees desperately searching for a hideout. Suddenly, over the horizon, Yoda saw it. The perfect hideout was right in front of him.

"Islands of Adventure!" Yoda exclaimed. He could blend in with the crowd and hide out for years.

"GOTCHA!" a cop grabbed Yoda by the arm and threw him on the ground.

"But, but I was about to-"

"Shut up! Do you really think the author would hide you in a theme park he was at a month and a half ago? That is so corny," said the cop, handcuffing Yoda.

……………………………….

With Vern still at the house, him and Obi Wan engaged in conversation.

"Man, Yoda's a fugitive, Anakin is ready to murder him, and Padme doesn't have a clue about any of this. The world is falling apart, Vern. That's why the world needs intellectuals like us. I firmly believe it's up to us dignified, mature adults to bring this galaxy out of the slum it's in. You got any 2's?"

"Go fish."

The door opened and Padme and Leia walked in, bags in hand.

"Hi Obi Wan. Um, who's this?" asked Padme, looking at Vern.

"This is Vern, he likes lasagna," Obi Wan added pointlessly.

"That's nice. Where's Anakin?" asked Padme.

"He went to pick up Luke. Oh, and Yoda's running from the law," said Obi Wan.

"WHAT?" Padme yelled.

"You're surprised at this?" asked Leia, putting groceries away.

……………………………….

Yoda sat in an interrogation room, nervous and shaking.

"Alright, you. Do you have any idea how long you'll be in prison for once you get pinned for everything you did last night?" asked the first cop.

"I… I don't know," Yoda answered.

"823 years when it's all added up. So in your case, the entire second half of your life, old man. However, we're here to offer you a proposition to avoid jail time."

"A proposition?" said Yoda, relieved.

……………………………….

That's all for now. I know it took forever to update, but I've been too busy lately. But before you know it, summer will be here and I'll have more time to write. Please review.


	38. A Hot Spoon Through Ice Cream

Chapter 38

"Yoda, we have a proposition. From what we understand, you are a Jedi master."

"Um. Yes, I am," said Yoda, fully aware he wasn't the Jedi he used to be.

"Well, we have proof that illegal weapons are being manufactured in the Dunning Warehouse downtown. The only problem is that the last time we attempted to bust them, we lost 12 officers. We need a professional."

"Why haven't you asked any of the other Jedi?" asked Yoda.

"They, uh, won't help us anymore. Not since…the Bakersfield tee ball game incident," answered the cop, staring at the ground, "It's your choice, Yoda. Face trial in which you may or may not be thrown in jail for life, or help us before it's too late."

"I..I don't know. This is a huge decision. I'm not sure…" Yoda hesitated.

"We'll throw in $100,000," the cop replied quickly.

"Deal!" screamed Yoda, pounding the table with his fist, causing the small ceiling fan to fall and knock him unconscious.

……………………………………………..

Luke was trying to dig into a container of ice cream, but had some trouble.

"Obi Wan, this ice cream is frozen solid," said Luke.

"Luke, just throw it in – wait a minute! I got it! A hot spoon!" Obi Wan exclaimed.

"A hot spoon?" asked Luke.

"YES! People always put the container in the microwave, but do that for too long and the ice cream is all melted. Use a hot spoon and you can slice right through the ice cream!" I'm a freaking genius!" shouted Obi Wan.

"It's okay, I'll just-" Luke was interrupted.

"Here, it's easy. I'll just throw the spoon in the microwave instead of the ice cream!" said Obi Wan, yanking the spoon out of Luke's hand.

"OBI WAN! NO!" shouted Luke.

**FIZZZZZZZZ...BOOM**

"Holy crap! Why didn't you tell me our spoons weren't microwavable?" Obi Wan yelled.

"GET KELLEN! THE KITCHEN'S ON FIRE!" screamed Luke.

"I GOT HIM! GET OUT THROUGH THE FIRE ESCAPE!" Obi Wan pointed to their only exit as the fire spread to the front door.

"WHERE'S DAD?"

"HE'S IN THE SHOWER!" Obi Wan answered quickly.

Luke rushed to the bathroom and screamed for his dad to get out. Anakin threw on a bath robe, grabbed Luke and rushed to the fire escape.

"OBI WAN! WHAT DID YOU DO?" Anakin screamed, as the dorm area of the Jedi Temple was being consumed by the flames.

Jedi students who resided in the dorms were screaming and running for their lives as the fire engines rushed to the accident

"What are the odds?" asked Anakin to himself as his second home was burning to the ground.

…………………………………………………

Padme and Leia were eating ice cream at the mall. Padme's cell phone rang and she was unprepared for the news.

"Hello?"

"Padme, it happened again," said Anakin, not wanting to say out loud what had happened.

"Oh, honey. Did Kellen punch Luke in the mouth again?" Padme asked.

"Um, no. Padme, the apartment is… gone," said Anakin, rubbing his forehead.

"NO!" screamed Padme. Several people in the ice cream parlor turned their heads. Padme listened to Anakin's story as Leia stared curiously.

"Mom! What happened?" asked Leia, dropping her spoon.

"Obi Wan burned down the apartment. We better get over there," said Padme, hanging up the phone.

………………………………………..

Yoda stood outside the warehouse that could very well symbolize his demise. He took a deep breath, lightsaber in hand, and entered the building. He stared in utter horror at what he faced. At least a hundred thugs fully armed with illegal weapons.

"Hi," said Yoda, waving his tiny hand.

Immediately, shots were fired in Yoda's direction. He jumped behind a box and cowered. He was grabbed from behind, causing him to drop his lightsaber.

"Well Jedi, looks like you fell a bit short of your mission."

"I'm not done yet," said Yoda courageously. He reached for his lightsaber with the force, but a large foot stepped on it, stopping its path to Yoda's hand.

"I think you are," the man said, pointing a blaster at Yoda's head…

…………………………………………

I'll have to leave you hanging there. Hopefully I'll have another update soon. Leave a review on your way out, please.


	39. Changes in Attitudes

Chapter 39:

The One-Year Anniversary of _A Star Wars Sitcom_! (June 1st)

"Padme, where are my Superman pajamas? I packed them, I remember," said Obi Wan, throwing clothes out of his bag.

"For the last time, those are Luke's pajamas and after you wore them the last time I threw them out," said Padme.

The new apartment was in the basement of the Jedi Temple complex and was much smaller than their last apartment.

"Padme, you don't understand. 6-6-06 is coming! Demons will rise from beneath the streets! The Horsemen of the Apocalypse will storm the cities! Sharks will jump out of the waters and walk amongst us! Nuclear missiles will launch themselves-"

"That last one is Y2K, and what does this have to do with Luke's pajamas?" asked Padme.

Obi Wan stared at her for a moment. "Yoda stole your bra," he said quickly.

…………………………………………..

Yoda closed his eyes and prepared for the end. But suddenly, he heard another lightsaber activate, Anakin disarmed the thug and fought off the minions as Yoda cowered in the corner. Anakin didn't have to do much as most of the criminals ran away in horror.

"Anakin, you saved me! I-I don't know what to say. I mean one minute I'm close to death and the next minute I'm saved. This is only the eighth time it's happened to me," said Yoda.

"You've had eight near-death experiences?" asked Anakin.

"You didn't know me in high school. So many friends, teachers, girls…wanted to, um, kill me. You know how it is," said Yoda, waiving his hand.

"Actually, no, I don't. Come on, let's go home," said Anakin.

"Hmmmm. Anakin, this experience was so revealing. I'm not who I once was. I feel like I'm so old and even though I've aged I haven't experienced everything I want to experience," Yoda said grimly.

"What are you saying?" asked Anakin, a little concerned.

"Anakin, I can't live the rest of my life sitting around eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream and watching TV. I need to travel and live what life I have left," said Yoda.

"Yoda, you're a part of our family, you can't leave us. We put up with a lot from you but I can't imagine a home without you in it," Anakin said.

"Anakin, you don't understand. You're not in my position," Yoda replied.

"Please just think about this before you make the decision. Sleep on it," advised Anakin.

"Very well, but I doubt my mind will change, Anakin. I know it's difficult to understand, but I have to do this."

……………………………………………………….

When Anakin and Yoda arrived home, Yoda didn't speak. He went straight to his room to prepare for a new life. Anakin sat at the table with Padme and the twins, discussing what Yoda told him earlier.

"He's sure he wants to do this?" asked Padme.

"He says he doubts he'll change his mind," said Anakin.

"What are we going to do without him? He's lived here since Luke and I were little," said Leia.

Obi Wan walked into the kitchen after his nap. He was wearing only his underwear.

"Obi Wan!" screamed Padme in disgust.

"Oh! Sorry," said Obi Wan. He went back to his room and returned, now wearing underwear and socks.

"I don't want Yoda to leave. Make him stay, dad," said Luke.

"I can't do that. This is a decision he has to make on his own and we have no right to-OBI WAN PUT SOME PANTS ON!" Anakin yelled, with Obi Wan bent over searching the bottom shelf of the fridge.

………………………………………………..

Yoda was still packing up his bags in preparation late into the night. There was a knock on the door and Luke walked in.

"Yoda?"

"What is it Luke?" asked Yoda, packing away his lightsaber.

"Are you leaving tomorrow?"

"Bright and early. I'll make sure I say goodbye in the morning," answered Yoda.

"Why are you leaving?" asked Luke.

"Luke, I feel I've lived so long but seen and done so little outside of the Jedi Order. I need to start again and live the rest of my life outside of the life I'm living now."

"But you **_have_** done a lot. You helped raise me and Leia. You've always been with us through good and bad times. Without you there's something missing. Plus, you're…well, my best friend," said Luke.

Yoda stopped packing for a second and looked at Luke, who was sitting on the bed looking down at the floor.

"I-I'm your best friend?"

Luke sniffed and wiped his eyes. Yoda had a lot to ponder…

…………………………………………………..

Well, it is the one-year anniversary, so something big had to happen, or will it? Find out next time. Also, I'm thinking about starting an action/adventure fic with a three-way crossover between Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Marvel Comics, but it sounds like a huge project and I'm not sure if I should try it. I have all the ideas in my head and it's bugging me that I haven't organized them and put them on paper.


	40. It's Back Now

Chapter 40

As the sun rose over the Jedi Temple, the Skywalker family waited in anticipation for Yoda to awake. Anakin woke up early and walked into the kitchen singing.

"Your love is like bad medicine. Bad medicine is what I need-"

"Hi Mr. Skywalker," said Han, eating cheerios and scaring the daylights out of Anakin as he jumped in shock.

"Seriously, do you have a home or did Obi Wan burn it down?" Anakin asked bitterly.

"Well, he did light a fart at a poker game, but my dad took care of the fire," Han answered, not getting the joke.

Right on cue, Obi Wan walked into the kitchen and broke wind. He was half asleep and very hungry.

"Yes! Cake. I loves me some cake," Obi Wan said, not hesitating to dig in.

"Obi Wan, that's a baked potato. And it's been there since last night," said Anakin in disgust.

"LAST NIGHT!?... I better throw it in the microwave then," said Obi Wan.

Despite Obi Wan's moronic antics, there seemed to be a somber mood in the house. Everyone was awaiting Yoda's decision to journey for many years outside of the Skywalker home. Luke and Leia entered the kitchen and, unlike most mornings, were completely silent.

"Dad, when is Yoda going to wake up?" asked Luke, getting out some cereal only to have the box swiped from him by Obi Wan.

"Just let him sleep off his hangover," answered Anakin, stealing the box from Obi Wan and giving back to Luke.

Padme had been awake for a while and was cleaning in the living room. She seemed to cope with suspense by either cleaning or picking fights with Anakin. Ironically, Leia coped the same way.

"Augh! The noise! Head hurts!" a familiar voice yelled from down the hallway.

"Padme! Turn off the vacuum!" Anakin yelled over the noise.

"COPING!" Padme screamed, holding her hand up to Anakin, but not making eye contact.

"Yoda's up!" said Leia, jumping off her chair.

"Don't crowd him, let him talk," Anakin instructed.

"Skywalker family, and Obi Wan, and kid with brown hair, I have decided my future over a bottle of Jack Daniel's and a severe headache. I have decided that I wish to stay with you. I realize there is one thing here that I cannot get anywhere else, and that is family…And free food," Yoda explained to everyone's delight.

"That's great! We're still a family…And Han," said Obi Wan, "Give me a hug!"

"Tie your robe," said Yoda in disgust at the sight of Obi Wan's Batman boxers.

"This house wouldn't be the same without you, Yoda," said Padme, smiling and hugging him…………

"Yoda……please tell me there's a roll of quarters in your pocket."

…………………………………………….

Hm. That's gross. Oh well. Holy mother of Christ I forgot about this. I know it's a bit short, but I feel that a cliffhanger lasting that long needs some kind of ending quick, and since I'm so busy lately I finished this up. I'll try to write more, but I don't know how things will go in the future. Thanks for your reviews!


	41. And People Die by Falling Overboard!

Chapter 41

"It's no use! The end is near! I can see a bright light in front of me. Tell Yoda he can't have my shirts, those are Kellen's! Also, I feel I must leave my entire fortune, 16 Republican credits and my front baby tooth, to Luke," Obi Wan reeled in pain.

"Obi Wan, come on. It's appendicitis, we'll be at the hospital any second now. Someone calm him down, I'm driving!" shouted Anakin, speeding through the skies.

"All they do is make you go to sleep and take something out of you. It's nothing," Luke assured him.

"Unless it's two babies and you-"

"Not now, Padme. Thank God, here we are," exclaimed Anakin, quickly finding a parking space.

"Ani, I don't like leaving Yoda at the house. I don't trust him," said Padme, nervously.

"If we take him here he'll sneak off to the mental ward and pick fights with the kids with multiple personalities. Remember his fight with Hal and Bad Hal?"

"So he got thrown through the 4th story window. It's not like it hasn't happened to him before," started Padme.

"Not today, alright? I have to take old man river over here and check him in, then keep an eye on him so I really don't feel like arguing about an insane little green man right now, okay?" said Anakin.

……………………………………………………

Surprisingly, back at the apartment, Yoda wasn't causing any trouble. He did what he always did when he was left alone...

"_Hey ho, we'll go, annnnywhere the wind is blowing! Manly men are weeeeeeee! Sailing for adventure on the big blue wet thing!"_

"I love Muppet Treasure Island."

……………………………………………………

Obi Wan was laying down in his hospital bed playing with the recline feature and not listening to his doctor. Luckily, Anakin was there to pick up the slack.

"Now…..Mr. Wan, it seems you just have a simple case of appendicitis so we-"

"Mr. Wan!? That……is……AWESOME!" Obi Wan exclaimed, stopping his hospital chair from reclining.

"Annnnnnnyway, we're gonna start surgery as soon as possible and get that appendix removed. Sound good?" asked the doctor.

"Chocolate pudding, actually. Vanilla gives me hives on my-" Obi Wan started.

"That sounds great, doctor, thanks," said Anakin.

………………………………………………

"Mom, when can we leave?" Luke whined, squirming in his chair.

"When Anakin's ready, we can go. You kids are so impatient," said Padme.

"Oh sure, me and Leia are definitely. We don't know about Kellen yet, though," said Luke.

Suddenly, everyone had a horrible realization. It was as if a light bulb lit up in everyone's head at the same time.

" Wait a minute….. Kellen…..I left him at home with………OH MY GOD!" Padme grabbed the twins and ran for the ship. Luckily, she had the spare keys with her.

"Real life is so much scarier than those horror movies you make me watch," Luke told Leia as they rushed out the hospital doors.

………………………………………….

"Can you say 'Kermit'? Say KERMIT……..We'll work on that later. Pass me a cookie. Oh. That's right. You can't really pick things up without eating them. It's cool, I got it."

"Ooble bob tooboo."

"Yeah, yeah, that's great too."

………………..

"Look! If I mute the TV then unmute it really quick, it sounds like they're saying bad words! Heehee!" Obi Wan explained like a child.

"Okay, that's my cue to leave. You'll be okay until tomorrow right?" Anakin asked.

Obi Wan just whimpered like a puppy.

"We've been through this. That's not cute, that's creepy. Goodbye."

Anakin walked out to the waiting area and became just a little more frustrated.

"……..Family? Kids? Padme? Sweety? Oh that's just **muted**ing great."

…………………………………………………………………..

Well, whaddaya know, I had some free time amazingly. Figured I'd start a nice little story arc here and jump right back into the swing of this story. I'm still putting a lot of effort into this and I hope it's still funny. Let me know what you think.


	42. To Anakin's Annoyance

Chapter 42

With Padme's phone battery being dead and the Skywalkers forbidding Yoda to ever, under any circumstance, answer the home phone, Anakin was deserted in the hospital. He had no choice but to sit in Obi Wan's room and more than likely die of boredom.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee….Anakin, you're not holding the rosary!" yelled Obi Wan.

"Well, for one, you're a Jedi, not a Catholic, and second of all you're not going to die," replied Anakin, his eyes closed.

"Oh. That's right. Can we watch TV?" asked Obi Wan, as if he had to ask for permission.

"I don't care. You have the remote. No Cinemax after 10," Anakin answered.

"Ha! I won't make THAT mistake again. Luke was only 2, though, he doesn't remember," Obi Wan said casually.

"…….Please stop talking."

………………………………………………………..

Padme actually kicked open the door to the apartment to see, thankfully, that Yoda and Kellen were only sitting on the couch watching Muppet Treasure Island.

"Oh thank all that is holy. I thought the worst, I'll admit," said Padme, catching her breath.

"Is that what you think of me? You think I'm a crazy, incompetent, soulless, disgusting being who has no sense of right and wrong?" asked Yoda while the topping of his pizza slowly slipped off the bread and onto his WHAM t-shirt.

"In so many words, yes."

"Well you know what? This defines me. This is who I am. I will fight with you to the death to defend all that is me! This…Is…….YODA!!!!" Yoda exclaimed, holding his fork above his head.

Padme didn't hear a word of it as she was examining her curtains, "These curtains really blot out the sun."

"Then I will eat in the shade!"

………………………………………………………

"Wow! You know, that was a pretty damn good movie. I give it two thumbs up, what about you, Anakin?" said Obi Wan, staring at the TV.

"You just made me watch 'The Glass Menagerie' and you didn't let me sleep. I give it two thumbs up your-" the door swung open and Obi Wan's doctor walked in, interrupting Anakin's insult.

"Okay, Obi Wan, we've decided to start surgery tomorrow morning. We'll have you out of here by the end of the week assuming the surgery goes well," the doctor explained.

"IF the surgery goes well? Are you saying this could be my last night alive?" Obi Wan asked as his voice raised.

"Obi Waaaaaaan," Anakin groaned as he rubbed his forehead.

"Obi Wan, I assure you our surgeons do a top-notch job. We have some of the best in the galaxy here. You have no reason to be afraid. I suggest you try to get plenty of rest tonight and keep your mind at ease," assured the doctor.

"So……..you're saying this could be my last night al-"

"I would have gladly taken that chair to my midsection rather than you taking it to your head, you know," said Anakin, now at wit's end.

"What? Anakin, quit with that nonsense, we're discussing my life here. Doctor, when the appendix is removed, what is its worth on, say, an online auction?"

Anakin made an angry grunting noise and promptly stood up out of his chair, but his legs tangled and he fell flat on his face.

"There. That's the cherry on the top of the sundae that is this terrible, terrible day," he mumbled cynically into the floor.

………………………………………………

Alright, another update for you guys. I fell out my chair this morning in video editing. I was just kicked back really far with my feet up, very relaxed and all of the sudden it just decided to flip me. My laptop fell off my lap, I hit the floor, it was funny. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed Yoda's brief return to movie quotes. 300 was good, so was TMNT, it's a good time for movies.


	43. Love is in the Air?

Chapter 43

School was dismissed and Luke walked home with his best friend, Mara Jade. Jedi Academy was becoming increasingly difficult with the young Jedi growing older and graduating from being younglings.

"……So now I'm thinking I'll definitely construct a green lightsaber when the time comes, which I guess is just about a month away. How was your day?" Luke asked Mara.

"It was alright, except for weapons defense class. I don't think I'm fast enough, I need to practice or something," said Mara.

"It isn't always about speed. You're smart, see. You use your head and most times that's all you need," Luke reassured her.

"That's nice, Luke, but I don't think my mind will help me do a four-shot combo block," Mara smiled.

Once the two got to Luke's front door, they did what they had done every time before that; stand there awkwardly and look around at anything but each other. However, today, their eyes actually met and made the situation even more awkward.

"So does the-" Luke started, but Mara leaned forward and kissed him square on the lips.

"Bye," said Mara abruptly, turning around to leave.

"Uhmbalulugead," was all that came out of Luke's mouth.

………………………………………………….

Back at the hospital, Obi Wan was out of surgery and, to Anakin's dismay, was awake and talking.

"B-6!"

"Nope. Miss," answered Anakin, placing another white peg into his Battleship board.

"Wait a second! I've guessed 27 times. I had to have hit SOMETHING," Obi Wan argued.

"Hmmm. Nope. Nothing yet. A-7," Anakin answered, still cheating since it was the only thing that brought him amusement.

"Dammit!"

Anakin's phone rang and he answered it quickly. Padme was on the other end of the call.

"Yes, he's fine…..no, I have to stay here until they release him. I tried to leave and he started screaming like a baby…..no, like one continuous scream……a little like a banshee……I should be home before too long. Okay, love you. Bye," Anakin hung up his phone and glared at Obi Wan. There was a long pause until Obi Wan broke the silence…

………."I have to poop."

………………………………………………………..

Luke sat on the couch staring at the TV, which was off. Shortly after he sat down, Han entered the Skywalker home and grabbed a snack from the kitchen.

"Luke, how's it goin'? I was looking for your sister and-"

"Mara kissed me," Luke said bluntly.

"Oh. Wow. This is some heavy stuff, man," Han replied sitting next to him.

"I know. Part of me is happy and part of-"

"No, I mean, you're getting lip action here and I'm stuck chasing girls like a chicken with its head cut off," Han interrupted and didn't help at all.

"Han, I don't know what to do. I'm happy and confused at the same time. Do I talk to her? Do I call her? Han! I'm losing it here!"

"Calm down, buddy. Let's collect ourselves here and address the situation….Now, Mara is your very good friend. She's also a smokin' hottie. And it is on that fact alone that I fully encourage you to go for it," said Han, confidently taking a bite out of his sandwich.

"I'm just shocked that it happened. It's like I didn't realize I liked her until that very moment. It's like it took that wonderful, spontaneous action to simultaneously ignite our true feelings for each other," Luke explained.

Han sat silently for a second and thought. Luke's words and impressive vocabulary sparked an idea.

"Know what I'm talking about?" Luke said.

"Yeah….Yeah I gotcha. Hey, you know what your feelings are. I say go for whatever your heart tells you," said Han, patting Luke on the back as he left.

…………………………………………

As the sun set, Han was playing fetch with Chewie when Leia decided to join him outside.

"Drop it Chewie! Jeeze, you don't get this do you?" Han said to the dog.

"You can't get mad at that little thing. Look at his face," said Leia, petting Chewie and sitting down next to Han.

"Yeah, me and him are exactly the same," Han joked.

"You're so full of yourself," Leia smiled.

"Hey, if I'm not full of myself than what AM I full of?" Han threw the ball after Chewie finally surrendered the ball.

"Crap, most likely," Leia shot back, giving him a playful shove.

"Let's not start the shove wars. You know what happened last time. There was something I had to tell you, I forgot what it was," said Han, trying to wrestle the ball away from Chewie again.

"It'll come to you," said Leia, leaning back and watching the sun as it set.

"Now I remember," said Han as he leaned over and kissed her.

………………………………………..

I'll leave you with a little suspense. Yeah, so I guess the kids are growing up. I mean, they have to, I've been writing this forever it seems. I have one week left of high school and I'm moving out in June, so I'll be busy, but I'll make it a point to update as I settle in.

Please leave a review, it's greatly appreciated and it keeps this thing going.


	44. Returning for a THIRD Season?

The Star Wars Sitcom Returns

A note from the writer:

-First off, George Carlin, rest in peace. He was my favorite comedian, hands down. Secondly, I feel like I should start this up again because it did have a following that I let down by stopping. To them, I apologize. To anyone returning to read, I thank you (and leave a note in your review to let me know you're a fan) and I assure that this time around, the "show" will be no less entertaining. Here goes...

Season Three

Years into their Jedi training, the Skywalker twins are dealing with their awkward teen years. Padme is realizing that letting Kellen spend too much time with Yoda is having a negative effect on his development. Anakin has assumed a position on the Jedi Council, which is much different than he expected. Yoda is still not dead. Lastly, Obi Wan is in the middle of a nasty mid-life crisis. We join the Skywalkers in their humble home on Naboo.

In the living room, Obi Wan is on the floor, wheezing uncontrollably. Anakin enters to help him.

"And what have we here?" asked Anakin, nudging his former mentor in the side with his foot.

"Nothing. I'm exercising."

"Obi Wan, I'll give you some advice. You're too old to exercise without some help, you need to cut your hair, you smell like a dead horse and you -"

"Anakin! Dammit! I am trying to get back into shape. Yoda's in on it too. FEEL IT!" Obi Wan screamed as he attempted a sit-up.

Anakin glanced into the kitchen, where Yoda was making a protein shake. Kellen was strapped to Yoda's back in his old baby carrier. Seeing as Kellen was now ten years old, Anakin found this a bit peculiar, or as he had now called it, "Yodish".

"Kellen, don't you think you're a little old to be strapped to Yoda? Christ, I never thought I'd have to say that," said Anakin.

"I'm helping him work out. We were going to use the fridge, but he couldn't lift it. But that would have been... delicious," Kellen explained.

Anakin stared with a blank look on his face. The overall amount of weird that was present in Kellen's speech concerned him. Even more horrifying was Obi Wan, who was now looking in the mirror and admiring himself.

"Oh yeah... look at that! The hair, the beard... I look like Jim freakin' Morrison! Yeah..." Obi Wan flexed and attempted to suck in his gut, "I am living, walking SEX!"

Leia had unfortunately walked into the living room while this horrific scene was taking place.

"Gross," said Leia as she passed Obi Wan. He looked at her for a second, then looked back in the mirror, unsure for a moment of his attractiveness. This quickly wore off.

"Yeaaaaaaaah..." said Obi Wan as he continued his self-admiration.

Anakin's cell phone rang and he quickly answered it.

"Mace! Yeah. Okay. Yes, I got the new color crystal for the lightsaber... are we doing that breast cancer awareness thing like the baseball teams... oh, it's purple? I don't know... I'm not insinuating anything! No! ...Okay. Maybe just darken it a bit. Bye."

"Mace is such a girl. Not like me. I'm all man. Yeah..." said Obi Wan, still looking in the mirror.

"Look, I gotta head down to the council, we've got a meeting again. Watch Kellen until Padme gets home, alright?"

"No problem, padre," said Obi Wan.

"I was talking to Leia," Anakin replied.

"Got it, Dad. You have fun," Leia said sarcastically.

Anakin just rolled his eyes and left. Leia stood next to Obi Wan, and, disgusted with his behavior, swiftly backhanded him in his gut.

"Mother of God!" Obi Wan squealed as he hit the floor, wincing in pain.

"Sister! You killed Obi Wan!" screamed Kellen.

Leia simply stared at her little brother, knowing he still had problems differentiating any kind of playful violence with death.

"Yes. Yes I did. And I'll kill you too if you don't unstrap yourself from Yoda," Leia replied.

Kellen looked at Yoda, who nodded at him nervously, as if he felt she actually would kill her own brother.

"You know nothing of the horrors I have seen," warned Yoda, as he turned on a blender without a lid, tipped it over, and received a syrup, waffle and protein shake in his face.

--

Meanwhile, at the Jedi Temple, the council meeting was well underway... and well off course.

"We can't finance this! The school does not need a 40 ft. electronic sign outside. It's not practical," Anakin argued.

"I want the children to KNOW what they're having for lunch without having to go inside and check! I'm thinking of their futures! You know nothing of children you ignorant buffoon!" yelled Plo Koon, to Anakin's surprise.

"I have three children! I don't think they need this. Maybe we should renovate some classrooms with this money," stated Anakin, holding up a paper with the figures in his hand.

"Bah!" grunted Koon.

"I'm with Mr. Koon -" one Jedi started.

"It's Mrs." Koon corrected.

The Jedi stared for a minute, then continued, "I think this sign would make the courtyard look very pretty."

"It's not necessary. Let's think about how we can improve education, please. Mace, you've been talking about upgrading the books, right?" asked Anakin.

"Wait... Plo Koon's a girl?" asked another Jedi.

"That's why he was all flirty and gay at the Christmas party," Mace realized.

"SHE!" Koon screamed.

"You're a girl!?" Ki-Adi-Mundi yelled after just waking from his nap.

Anakin dropped his papers and left the room. The others stared for a minute until the silence was broken.

"So... are you, like, seeing anybody?" Mace asked Koon.

--


	45. The Dinner

Chapter 45

_Previously on "A Star Wars Sitcom"!_

Obi Wan flexed and attempted to suck in his gut, "I am living, walking SEX!"

_NOW! THE CONTINUATION OF "A STAR WARS SITCOM"!_

Obi Wan was still on the floor in a considerable amount of pain. Luckily, Leia's violent behavior was put to an end when Padme arrived home.

"Leia, put these groceries away. We're going to eat in the banquet hall in the Temple tonight, so I need everyone to shower and... wow, why do I have to remind you all of that?" asked Padme, taking off her sunglasses.

"Don't look at me. I have a hygiene system. Head on Monday, torso on Wednesday, lowers on Friday," said Yoda, cleaning the shake off his face.

"Never. Talk to me. Again," Padme coldly stated.

"You got it padre," Yoda replied, "That was the last time... Well, that was... okay, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the wall. I'm saying this to the wall. See? The words that are coming out of my mouth are being directed at the wall," Yoda was now, indeed, talking to the wall.

"Okay, I'm going to get ready for dinner. All of you do the same," Padme headed for her bedroom, stepping over Obi Wan on her way.

"I'm fine. Thank you," said Obi Wan, holding his gut.

"No, you smell like swamp gas," said Leia, stocking the refrigerator and slapping Kellen's hand every time he went for the food.

The house became further packed when Luke and Han entered. Luke immediately went to Obi Wan's aid, helping him off the ground. Han did something much more enjoyable than lifting an old, shirtless man off the ground.

"Hey baby!" Leia exclaimed, grabbing Han and sharing a kiss with him.

Kellen now helped himself to the food his sister was stocking as Han winked at him.

"What's the plan tonight?" Han asked Leia, still hugging her.

"Well, we've got dinner at the Temple tonight, so no movie. We'll do that tomorrow night," explained Leia.

"Nah, I'll just go with you to dinner."

"Han, you hate fancy dinners. Order a pizza and I'll meet up with you afterwards," Leia suggested.

"No, no. I don't go to enough of these events with your family. Besides, Mara's going with Luke, so I don't want you going stag," said Han.

"So, you don't want someone else hitting on me at dinner?"

"Right. Kellen, toss me a banana, buddy!" said Han, holding out is hand.

"Alright!" Kellen exclaimed, but hesitated for a moment, "Which ones are the bananas? The yellow ones, or the REALLY yellow ones?"

"Um... right there, kiddo. Long and yellow, with the peels," Han explained, a quizzical look on his face.

"Whoop!" Kellen threw the entire bushel at Han.

"Yaah! Kiddo, watch it. I only needed one," said Han, who had now looked up to see Kellen had already fled the room, "Weird kid."

Obi Wan was now on his feet and apparently excited.

"Right then! Time to get sexy! I've got a new suit that puts the 'sex' in 'sextacular'. I'm off!" yelled Obi Wan, dashing off to his room, very sexcited (I'm the writer, I'll make up words if I damn well please. Besides, now we have a decent synonym for 'horny').

"Gross," said Luke.

--

Anakin had enough of the council, which turned out to be nothing more than a very unruly school board. Mace approached him to talk about the madness.

"Anakin. How's it going friend?" asked Mace, patting Anakin on the shoulder.

"What are you doing out here? Did you need a break too?" Anakin questioned.

"No. I got suspended. The sexual harassment suit is pending, no biggie."

"Sexual harassment?" Anakin raised an eyebrow at his colleague.

"Pending. It ain't no thang," Mace explained.

"What? Nevermind. I don't know how you guys get anything done in there. Nobody listens. Or cares," Anakin said grimly, staring at the ground.

"Come on. We get things done, and the arguments are very constructive," said Mace, just before a loud voice from the council could be heard among the two.

"Your wife came on to ME! Maybe if you weren't too busy banging pod-racer groupies on Tattooine you'd have a LEGITIMATE son! And daughter!"

Anakin now felt something had to be done. "Mace, you and I need to change things here. Starting tomorrow... or after your lawsuit," he said.

"Pending, dog. Pending," Mace replied.

"Stop talking like that."

"Yes sir."

--

Later that evening, the annual Qui-Gon Jinn Memorial Banquet Dinner and Golf Tournament was underway. The Skywalker table had gone a full four minutes without incident.

"Case in point, children, I kicked some serious ass back in the day. When your dad wasn't slowing me down, I was invincible," Obi Wan explained, wrapping up a story.

"Now explain why other Jedi your age are still nearly unstoppable," said Anakin, taking a drink of wine.

"Steroids," Obi Wan quickly replied.

"Obi Wan!" Padme exclaimed, attempting to silence him before he went too far.

"Sorry, sorry. Performance enhancers. And don't interrupt me, woman," Obi Wan answered, now going a bit too far.

"Mom! Try this bread, you'll love it," Luke suggested, trying to end the feud.

"Don't push it, old man," Padme warned, still talking to Obi Wan.

"I will END you!" threatened Obi Wan, beginning to rise out of his chair.

"Sit down! Nobody's ending anybody. Cool down, please. Now, Han, how's the mechanic business, lately?" asked Anakin.

"Incredible! I get a few jobs a day, then I free up a few hours for side projects," Han replied, appearing very excited.

"Side projects?" Anakin was a bit frightened thinking about what that meant considering who he was talking to.

"The Falcon!" Leia said sarcastically. Han gave her a quick look, then continued.

"We're talking pure speed, Mr. Skywalker. Pure speed, but raw power. Enough room to ship materials, but hold the same light speed as a standard starfighter," explained Han.

"You need to show me sometime," said Anakin, a smile on his face.

Unfortunately, the table was now quiet. For about 30 seconds, nothing was said. This was disturbing, and became no less disturbing when Obi Wan broke the silence.

"Neh!" Obi Wan threw a roll at Padme, causing her to nearly lose it.

"Oh. My. God! What is wrong with you!" Padme yelled, turning some heads in the banquet hall.

"Obi Wan! Come on man! Go the restroom and cool off, please!" Luke pleaded.

"Fine! I have to TAKE CARE OF SOME BUSINESS IN THERE ANYWAY!" Obi Wan said, raising his voice mid-sentence, looking right at Padme.

"EW!" yelled Padme, her mouth open in disgust and shock.

"Can everyone just sit here and enjoy the dinner? We're making a scene," said Anakin.

"I'm enjoying it very much, Mr. Skywalker," said Mara Jade, who had broken her stunned silence. For a minute, everyone began eating again.

"This steak tastes like farts," Yoda blurted out suddenly. Everyone stared, dumbfounded by the little green man's unnecessary comment.

"I didn't fart on it," Kellen said in an unusually casual manner.

"Goodbye!" yelled Padme, getting out of her chair and storming out of the banquet hall.

"Mom! I'm coming too! I don't want to eat farts!" yelled Kellen, now turning every head in the hall.

"I too am finished eating farts," Yoda said in a raised voice, also leaving the table after pocketing three rolls and some mashed potatoes.

"Everyone! Stop! I'd like to make a toast," said Anakin, rising out of his chair. Padme and Yoda both turned around. Padme stopped Kellen and turned him around as well. The hall was silent.

--

My steak really did taste like farts last night. Fine dining is nothing but a marketing ploy anymore. Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Drop a review like always.


End file.
